[COMPLETED] MOM, WHAT'S TRUE LOVE?

29: The Last Letter

Diego and I spent the rest of the day na nagmovie mara lang at naglaro ng video games. Talagang naapreciate ko yung effort niyang pasayahin ako.

Gab is right. Talagang nasa kanya na ang lahat eh. Matalino, makadiyos, mabait. Lahat-lahat na.

Buong araw, talagang pinigilan ko ang sarili kong tutukan lang siya. Ewan. Di ko maiwasan.

Bago siya umuwi, binigyan niya ako ng isa pang quote:

______________________________________

I have laid my heart to thee.
All you have to do is see.
______________________________________

After spending the whole day with him, pakiramdam ko, nahanap ko na ulit ang sarili ko. Ang gaan na ulit ng pakiramdam ko.

Kahit malala ko yung mga salitang sinabi ni Jay sa party o yung nakita ko sila ni Krizzy sa stage na nagpeperform, hindi na ako nasasaktan.

I think I am myself again, but better.

Bago ako matulog, I decided to read Mom's last letter para sa akin. Ang pinakahulit na talaga sa apat.

I think I'm ready.

If there's one thing that I've learned about this experience so far bilang isang 16 year old teen, siguro yun ay hindi man ako lumaking kasama si Mama pero alam ko naman sa nasa tabi lang siya at kasama ko sa sa paglaki ko, mostly sa mga experinces ko sa lahat ng firsts ko.

First Crush
First Love
First Heart break
At lahat lahat na.

Kinuha ko ang airpods ko at nagpatugtog ng Safe and Sound ni Taylor Swift on repeat. Naupo ako sa kama at binuksan ang box ni mama. My heart was pumping so fast. Ito na talaga. Pinakahuli sa lahat.

I took a deep breathe at binuksan na nga ang letter

▪︎ When I had my first heartbreak

My love Chandria, 

Hi, nak! Again, hindi ko alam anong order mo babasahin ang letters ko, but to keep you guided, basahin ko muna yung tungkol sa first love and first kiss na letters ko para maintindihan mo ang context dito.

So ayun na nga, pagkatapos ng halik namin ni Austin sa may dagat, it was perfect. Nag date pa kami ng ilang beses pagkatapos nun. Everything was much better than what I imagined. Yun nga lang, medyo ang gulo ng isip ko nun.

Ano ba talaga kami? Are we going out? Yun yung laging laman ng utak ko.

Oo, nagkahalikan na kami at oo ilang beses na kaming lumabas ng kami lang pero not once did he mentioned na officially dating kami. Naisip ko, siguro ayaw lang nya saktan si Grace kasi nga kaibigan namin siya at kaklase pa.

I remembered our last date. Galing kami sa dagat nun where we first had our first kiss. Pero siya parang wala sa sarili, parang ang daming iniisip. Kahit di niya inamin, alam kong it has something to do with Grace. Hindi ko na siya kinulit pa. 

Kinabukasan, masayang-masaya akong pumasok ng school kasi bago siya nagpaalam sa akin nung hinatid nya ako kagabii, he kissed my forehead before saying goodbye.

Ang di ko alam, literal na goodbye na pala nun. Kasi sa gate palang ng school, kitang-kita kong magkayakap si Austin at Grace. 

Right there and then, I knew it was over between us pero ang mas masakit lang, have we really started something there? Meron ba talagang dapat matapos sa bagay na di naman talaga nasimulan?

Anyways, yes. That was my first heartbreak. 

He was my first love, but he was also the first person to break my heart.

Pero alam mo, nak? Blessing in disguise din yun. Kasi pagkatapos ng experience na yun, I learned to be strong and how to handle pain. I learned na tao lang tayo lahat. Lahat tayo, nasaksaksan. Dahil sa experience na yun, I knew myself better at mas minahal ko ang sarili ko. At dahil dito, natutunan ko kung ano ba talaga ang deserve ko, taong katulad ng papa mo.

Alam mo nak, when I met your papa, narealize ko na hindi naman talaga special ang first love.

Yes, first love excites you. It makes you nervous. It makes you feel things you never felt before, and maybe that's the reason why you think it's special, but what you don't realize is that you only probably love the "idea" of a first love. 

However,  a Real Love is a whole other story. No, it does not really make you excited or nervous, but it will make you feel like home. It will make you safe. That is the essence of a one true love. A love that is authentic. A love that is forever.

Your Papa may not be my first love, my first kiss nor my first heartbreak, but he was my Real Love. My Last Love. I am so grateful that I  got to spend the rest of my life with him. He gave me something that no one else did. He gave me you.

You may be too young to realize all of these and I may not be there when you have your first experiences in love, but let me tell you this: Listen to your heart.

I have a lot to tell you, nak. I have lots of things I want to experience with you, pero my body is giving up. Not seeing you grow up, get married, and have kids is way worse than my first heartbreak.

Chandria, I love you.  I can't wait to wrap you in my arms again, but for now, go and do what your heart desires. 

Hugs and Kisses from Heaven.

Love, 

Your Forever Mama.

Ang sakit ng lalamunan ko. I didn't realize it pero umiiyak na pala ako. Hindi ko mapigilan nag mga luha na tumulo sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko na maalala boses ni Mama pero sa oras na to, rinig na rinig ko siya. Na para bang kaharap ko lang siya at kinakausap niya ako.

She is the bravest woman I know. Kahit na ubos na ang oras niya sa mundong to, naisipan pa rin niyang maging ina sa akin ang isulat to.

I read the letter once again, but this time with a braver heart. Pagkatapos ay dahan-dahan kong ibinalik sa red box ang sulat ni mama. Ilang ulit ko itong binasa bago ko dahan-dahang ibinalik sa box at tinago sa ilalim ng kama ko. I took a deep breath.

🎶Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound🎶

Listen to your heart. Go and do what your heart desires,

Hindi ko na mababago lahat ng nagyari sa akin these past feww months, but I can definitely do something about where I'm at now. This time, I will make things right.

I grabbed my phone on my bedside table and blocked Jay on all of my social media accounts. I also deleted our text messages and his number. Grabe, I saw all the red flags, but because of my "idea" of a first love, I ignored it all.

Sis is dumb. Sis is blind. Sis is me.

I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Crying always made me sleepy. Talagang inaantok na ako. Pero, bukas na bukas, I will do everything right. Ika nga ni Mama Ann, we can always start over.

🎶Just close your eyes, you'll be alright

Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound🎶

Pinikit ko na ang mga mata ko. Talagang natalo na ako ng antok ko.

Suddenly, may biglang nagchat sa akin so I tried to open one eye to peek at the screen.

It was from Diego.