The Moments

Chapter Twenty

She takes a deep breath and leans back again. Her hand slips out from under mine and I can tell that she is trying not to cry. "Um..." she hesitates, searching her mind for a good answer. 

Surely she's had a discussion similar to this one before, surely she has a helpful answer. I want to believe that she has all the answers, but I have to consider that it might be possible that she simply doesn't know. I try to not to look at her so expectantly in order to relieve some of the pressure.

"Madelyn, the only thing you need to do is give them a goodbye," she answers. Her voice is flat and monotone and I can tell by the way she says it that it isn't the first time she's given this advice. It's like she is playing a character. There is comfort in the idea that she has done this before and thought the words through.

"I've already done that. Why don't I feel..." I pause, trying to think of what to say next.

"Done?" she suggests. 

"Yeah, done."

She sighs and clasps her hands in front of her. I'm about to tell her never mind, that she doesn't need to answer it because clearly it's a very difficult question, especially for somebody who has never been in my position. I feel bad for asking in the first place. I should just be saying goodbye to her instead.

"Madelyn, I think at this point, all you need to do is give them a happy memory to look back on when they think of you."

I cock my head, hoping she'll explain further. I think I know what she means, but any added insight would be helpful. 

"Think of a memory with the people you love that makes you smile, and remind them. Then, when your gone, that's what they'll think of when they think of you. Instead of any of the bad, dying stuff." Her voice breaks and her eyes become red rimmed. My expression softens and I nod.

There is a weighted silence that seems to fall upon the room in an instant. It settles, makes Kate's quiet crying the only thing I can hear. Maybe the silence is necessary. Maybe it helps to be able to just think for a moment. I really don't know. I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand people as well as I like to think I do. I only understand myself and what I know about Madelyn Sheen, I tend to apply to everybody in my life. I like the silence, but Kate is an open person, an honest person, a person who doesn't shy away from conversation. I look up at her, into her watery eyes.

"Is that what you've learned from being a nurse?" I query. "That the best way to find closure is to have a good moment to remember somebody by?"

She nods slowly and a few tears roll down her cheeks.

"The truth is, after you're gone, all anybody will have of you is the moments they spent with you. Remind them of the good ones, the best ones, so that they don't think of the bad when they see your face." She's crying pretty hard now. I wonder if she becomes this attached to all her patients or if she is just upset because I am young. I'll never know, but her emotion makes me feel more than just guilty for dying. It makes me feel important. "Everybody I've lost, I have a memory of."

The silence attempts to return after she chokes out that sentence. I almost let it, but then I think of all the things I could say instead.

"Remember when I was little and you took me to the playground that one night?" She doesn't look at me, she just keeps crying so I keep talking. "You pushed me on the swing and played with me. My mom had just been arrested and I missed her, but you made me feel like I could get by without her. You made me feel like I had more people supporting me than just my parents."

"Thank you Madelyn," she whispers. She gets up, and for a second I think she's just going to walk out of the room. I worry that all I did was upset her more, but then she throws her arms around me and pulls me towards her. "Thank you," she says again, running her hand over my head and down my neck. Her hand comes to a rest at my shoulder. She holds that position for a moment, and I realize that this is probably the last time we will ever see each other. It's sad, but in a weird way, I think it's okay.