Matters Of The Heart Pt. II

Personal Problems at Christmas...

So I made my second grown up decision... although I can see the rolling of the eyes from my mother and father, my little brother and Aunt... from basically all of my family. Except for my nana.. maybe. Though I'm sure even a part of her is wanting to bitch and groan and moan at me... and blame the people I have chosen to date or be friends with.

Yesterday... I went to Seattle, to spend Christmas with my boyfriend... to spend the holidays with him so he didn't have to spend it alone. So that he didn't have to spend another Christmas alone. And I know no one will understand that... I'm 18, I'm young and naive and stupid... And I'll be the first to admit that. I went about it in the most fucked up way ever... but I don't regret it. No one should have to spend the holidays alone... NO ONE. And its not just because he is "some boy"... no. Actually, everyone thinking that can scratch that idea. Because I would've done it for anyone. Be it a loved one by blood or choice, a friend... If they had said "I am spending Christmas alone" and cried and begged me to come out and spend it with them... no matter where it was, I'd be there. 

I was called a "very selfish little girl" by my Aunt through text... and it's making me realize something more and more everytime I hear how "You're only thinking of yourself" or "You don't care about anyone but yourself"... and it's making me realize for once in my life that the words people say about me are untrue. Beyond all comprehension is it untrue. I am far from selfish...or self-centered.. or a cold heartless emotional bitch. I've heard it all...and sadly from the people who are suppose to be your guidance and support.... from the people who are generally suppose to be encouraging you to keep your self-esteem high, and to feel good about yourself... and instead, lately since I made my decision back in June to not go to basic.. so that I could go to college and do what I WANTED to do.. it seems all anyone can do is bring that back up. And bring up how I've fucked up this or ruined that or broken peoples hearts....

I am far from selfish... I am a Pisces, we are unable to think for ourselves. We focus on everyone else... on making sure they are happy and well and safe. We are easily broken by the emotional distress of others...And I think my family believes I do not care the pain I have caused. And they'd be wrong. They'd be wrong beyond all comprehension, all understanding. But to them I am just some child who ran off to be with some boy cause why the hell not. Right? I'm 18 and he is 21. And he's a guy... all he wants is to get in my pants, right? Cause that's what all guys want, right? Just like to them, I'm becoming almost every female cousin I have.... either getting pregnant way too young or running off to be with some boy older than me or, better yet.. my favorite.... going no where in life.

I wonder if they know I was accepted into SHSU (Sam Houston State University).... I wonder if they know that I will be starting in the fall of 2015, working toward a bachelors degree in Criminal Justice. And it is because of him that my application even went through.... the excitement in his voice when I said I found the perfect college for me, when I told him it was in his homestate... he never told me about his consideration to go there until after HE paid for my application to go through, against my wishes at that....

And trust me, I am counting just how much he has spent and plans to spend to get me where I want to go, so that I may go to college. Trust me I am counting it....

I know everyone is gonna blame him, and blame another friend of mine... but this decision had nothing to do with them. Not 100% at least. Yes ok, he begged me to come out... crying his eyes out, he begged me to spend the holidays with him and to help him through this discharge process. Not only him, but his parents and his siblings.... I got to listen to him cry with his father and mother, and I heard the disapointment in Logans voice and in Coltons... in the voice of a 17 and 7 year old, I heard the disappointent and heartbreak because they're big brother, AGAIN, would not be home from Christmas.

And as for the other friend.... hah.... she BEGGED me not to go. Cried her eyes out and begged me not to go. "I know you wanna spend the holidays with him. But please... god Little One please... stay here. Stay with me." despite her wanting me happy and everything and knowing how bad I wanted to spend the holidays here in Seattle with him.... she begged. But do you know what stopped her? My happiness. And because like me, she is a Pisces.... because we do not think for ourselves. Always are we constantly worrying about what others think or want... what will please others. How can I please others before I can finally please myself.

So... to my family, I am sorry. I am sorry I hurt you and have seemingly broken our family apart. And especially to you mommy... I know it may seem like I do not care, but that is far from true. Everytime I see you, I feel my heart break a little more... piece by piece... because as much as I want things to go back to how they use to be. But I know it'll take more than me being home to do such... But that doesn't change that everyday I do not miss you, nor do I not think about the words of wisdom you have provided all throughout my life... they still ring clear and true to this day. I love you so very much....