Matters Of The Heart Pt. II

Fear itself

Death...

I don't ever think of it, not to this degree. I can write about it, I can sing about it... Watching movies and shows about it. I can read ever gruesome detail written about it.

I laugh through horror movies, watching as limbs are torn off of people, hearts ripped out of bodies of innocent creatures. I can sit there and solve the mysterious of "who did it" seconds within a show....

And yet, one show had me... Fearing the future.

I watched Vampire Diaries with a friend, and episode I had yet to see.... The cure for vampirism. Hah... The ability to turn back to human. Of course, my mind and it's overactive ways started thinking, "What if there was a way to live forever?" Not necessarily becoming a vampire or werewolf or something.... But more so, staying human just staying.. Young. Being immortal without all the craziness.

Of course I fought my mind and told it to not be stupid. We as humans are not capable of such, not yet at least. And I will not live to see the creation of such an invention. So eventually I will die.... Along with everyone I love. And there's where all my biggest fears came into play. Ah yes, everything I have bottled up for the last 8+ years suddenly came rushing into my mind.

I was reminded of my fear of hospitals and churches and graveyards..... How each is an every growing reminder that death is just around the corner. I was reminded of my fear of guns, and knives and swords... How each can tear us apart. I was reminded of my fear of blood... How being reckless can cause us to lose it all. I was reminded of my fear of people... How getting too close can hurt you, and them, in the long run. I was reminded of my fear of sleeping.... How life is so precious, and so short, that even in such a peaceful state... It can all end.

I think my biggest reminder..... Was my fear of love. How I didn't want to end up like my grandmother, who watched her first husband die and her second.... Who with the latter watched her soulmate die. In the 8+ years my grandpa has been deceased (God rest his soul) my grandmother had not dated not remarried. And it's understandable.... I admire her for such. Until 7/4 comes and while everyone else celebrates our independence... She sits at home, and for a bit cries. That was their anniversary...

And now I'm laying here at 9:05pm, my best friend right beside me.... Sound asleep and yet I'm crying and trying to process thoughts. I have her battle (my neko nii-san) messaging me... Apologizing for being an ass, believing he upset me. And I feel bad... That he feels he did. He didn't. And I know she'll read this.... And she didn't upset me either. Fear itself did.