Purpose

o n e.

"Mr. Carter, they're not both going to make it. We can save your wife or the baby, but we can't save both. You need to let us know your decision in the next two minutes, or we may lose them both."

Confused. Angry. Dizzy. Sad. All of these emotions going through my mind at once as my heart continues to race and I hear monitors beeping and nurses running in and out of the room. 

"M-my w-wife." I spit out. 

"Are you sure?" the doctor says.

"Y-yes." I say as he nods and the nurses push me out of the room. 

What did I just do? Did I make the right decision? Will she be mad at me? What now? Out of all those parenting classes we took, they do not prepare you for a decision where you have to choose between your wife or your unborn baby that you have been looking forward to meet for nine fucking long months. I slide down the wall as I begin crying. Yes I am a grown man crying. This is simply what I was not prepared for. Is this a selfish decision that I made? I cannot lose my soulmate. Aliyah is everything and more to me. I sit there fiddling with my fingers as the nurses come out and motion for me to go into the room.

"Mr. Carter, Aliyah is now stable. She should be waking up soon." the nurse says as I stand up. I nod and walk into the room. 

I feel lost. I feel weak. I see Aliyah lying there asleep, as I see our stillborn baby boy in the crib next to the bed. I can't move. How can you prepare for this in life? You can't. Did I choose correctly? Will Aliyah be mad at me? You never have this kind of conversation with your spouse because nobody plans for their child to not make it. I have so many questions and thoughts running through my head as if they are racing to a finish line, and I wish it would just all slow down. I have to be strong. My wife is going to be waking up soon and I need to be strong for her. I cannot let her see me like this because she needs reassurance everything is going to be okay. I dry my face with my sleeve as I glance over at Aliyah. She is beginning to wake up. 

"Hey there beautiful." I say as she smiles lightly.

"We did it Darien." She says giggling lightly and I sigh softly. 

"Aliyah, honey..." I say as I crawl into the bed with her. I wrap my arms around her trying to hold all of my anger and sad emotions back. 

"Baby, what's wrong? Where is our baby boy? Where is Jaxon? Did they take our sweet boy to go be bathed?" she says running her hands through my hair. 

"Aliyah.." I say softly as I glance over to the crib.

"He's precious Darien. He's already sleeping so peaceful. That's crazy!" she says giggling again. Goodness how do I spit it out? I can't just say he's dead, but here we are sitting in a hospital bed next to a crib with our stillborn baby and my wife thinks he is fucking sleeping. No. Our son is DEAD. Breathless. Lifeless. 

"Aliyah..honey. Jaxon did not make it. I had to choose between you or our baby boy." I say as the salty tears begin rolling down my cheeks. I watch as Aliyah's face goes blank with no expression, she begins turning pale, and she closes her eyes before letting out a loud scream. 

I wrap my arms around my wife, pulling her close to me as she begins sobbing. She carried our son for nine months, just to be welcomed to a lifeless baby. 

"Get out." she mumbles as she slowly lifts her head looking at me with disgust in her eyes. 

"Aliyah, wh-"

"GET OUT DARIEN! HOW COULD YOU!" she yells hitting me in my chest as the nurses run in. 

"Mr. Carter, pleas-"