What If

Chapter 16

Grace prayed again that night, asking God to please fill Jeffrey with the strength and courage he needs to share his story with others.

"Everyone tells me I need to put it out there," he'd told her earlier. "That I have such an important message that others need to here." Grace agreed with them; but when Jeffrey was already hearing it, she figured he didn't need to hear it from her as well- at this point, any more people telling him the same thing, even the same people repeating it was just more pressure; extra weight being added to his already overloaded shoulders. Grace could vaguely recall the weight of the loads she and her family would have to carry in their village back home. While Jeffrey's load was an invisible one, Grace still shuddered at the thought of him carrying it all on his own; she'd seen it with her brother- those invisible loads, filled with demons that plagued the mind could be far more burdensome than any physical one.

She knelt on the ground beside her bed, face raised to the ceiling, eyes shut and hands clenched tight. "Lord, please help him. Jeffrey cannot carry such a load on his own. Please help him to see that sharing the problem will lessen the burden, please help him find You, so that he may be lifted by Your strength. Please help him find the courage to share his story so that others who need to hear it will."

Kassim couldn't help but smile as he watched his sister from the doorway. She'd always been the sweetest, most faithful person he knew and he counted it one of his biggest blessings that she was his sister.

The more passionately Grace prayed, the more she loved whoever it was she was praying for; in the case of Jeffrey, the proof was in the desperate tears that had begun to rain down from her eyes. It was only then that Kassim moved closer toward her; kneeling beside her and reached out to place a gentle hand on her shoulder, feeling her tense beneath his touch. Her eyes were wide when she turned to face him. "Kassim!" she gasped. "Oh thank the Lord! It's just you."

"Just me," he repeated. "Are you ok, Gracie?"

His sister nodded weakly, though if she were completely honest, the answer was that she wanted to be ok.

Kassim knew her well enough though to see through the face she tried to put on. "It's ok not to be ok, Gracie." His hand moved from her shoulder to stoke the upper part of her back immediately below it.

Grace's gaze gravitated to the carpeted ground beneath her. She took a deep breath, stamping down the lump that had formed in her throat. "Truth be told, I worry; about Jeffrey, about you." Her teary eyes met Kassim's.

He reached out to wipe some of the moisture away with a finger. "Why do you worry about us?"

"Because you both have such heavy loads to carry." Her eyes searched his. "I would hate for either of you to buckle under the weight."

Kassim chuckled.

Grace folded her arms across her chest, one eyebrow rising slowly in question. "You think my fears are funny?" she asked, her voice scarily even.

"No," said Kassim, quickly sobering up to seriousness. "I.. I don't think it's funny." His hands fell into his lap. "I think that it's sweet, I think you're sweet. Both of us are lucky to have you Grace."

A hint of her usual smile appeared, making Kassim smile too; a sad smile, for understanding was beginning to set in. He gasped quietly, though Grace was close enough to hear.

"What is it?"

Kassim opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. "I know you were concerned about Jeffrey and I being alone," he started instead, "but are you scared of being alone?"

"Isn't everyone scared of being alone?" Grace countered.

Kassim shrugged. "I suppose so." She'd got him there.

"But none of us are alone," she went on. "Not really; we've all got God."

Kassim nodded. "True," he conceded. "But are you afraid of being left alone?".

"Kassim, of course I am," she said, her voice louder then it had been. "Aren't you?" Her eyes were pleading as she looked at him. He nodded, hanging his head a little, like the fear was something to be ashamed of.

"Of course I'm scared," Grace said again, calmer now. "You and I.. Kassim, we've lost so much already. I couldn't stand to lose more." She took a shaky breath. "I love knowing there are angels in heaven looking down on us all the time, but there is only so much they can do; so much that faith can do."

Kassim felt his mouth fall open; of all things, he hadn't expected something like that to come out of his sister's mouth.

Seeing his expression, Grace continued. "Of course I trust in the Lord. With all my heart and soul, but sometimes, patience is not enough when He takes time and you don't know His plan. Sometimes you need more then just faith to lean upon."

Kassim scooted closer to his sister before lowering himself to sit on the floor. "I never thought I'd hear you say stuff like that though, Gracie," he said. "You've always been God's biggest cheerleader- what's happened to make you think that faith isn't enough?"

"That hasn't changed." Grace reached out to pat her brother's hand. "I... Jeffrey got me thinking, I guess."

"Jeffrey?" Kassim echoed.

His sister nodded. Kassim could tell from the tears lingering behind her eyes that Jeffrey meant a lot to her. She only shed tears for the ones she counted as most important. I have cried enough to fill oceans and rivers and lakes, she'd told him once. Tears are precious. I must preserve them. It is not worth wasting them on those who mean little to me.

"Jeffrey is scared. More then he was telling us." Kassim opened his mouth to speak, but Grace raised a hand to stop him. "I could tell; I think we've both felt that fear before." She searched her brother's face for a hint of affirmation, any sign of recognition.

Kassim did know the feeling; he remembered it all too well. It was one he didn't want to revisit or think about too much, for fear it would return to haunt him, as if he wasn't haunted enough already; so he forced his face to remain blank. "I remember," he said, his voice equally expressionless.

"But Jeffrey doesn't know God the way you and I do," Grace went on. "So faith can't carry him as much as it can you and I."

Kassim blinked; sometimes, he forgot how smart his little sister actually was- it was moments like this that she reminded him.

"So he needs more than faith. In his case, with fear, you need to experience the opposite of what you're afraid of to prove that it's the exception rather than the rule; you and I needed to experience constant stable safety before the fear of imminent danger and threat really went away; Jeffrey needs to experience acceptance from others in order to learn that rejection and judgement is not the default."