What If

Chapter 5

Author's Note: This chapter contains mention of alcoholism and mild suicidal ideation. Reader discretion is advised.

Jeffery stayed out on the front deck a long while after Kiara headed inside. He sat and stared as the rainbow coloured sunset sky darkened into one dotted with countless bright, shining stars. He only snapped back to reality when the door creaked open again.

He tore his eyes away from the scene before him to see his sister coming back to sit beside him. "Still out here huh?"

"Yeah. I got lost in it I suppose," he said wistfully, allowing his gaze to return to the stars overhead. "It's beautiful out here. So calm and quiet and peaceful. I could stay here forever."

"You'd freeze if you stayed out too long!" said Kiara.

"Maybe not on a night like this," he said.

Kiara shrugged. "True. So where did you go when you got lost?"

"I was wondering what on Earth to do."

"And?" she asked, leaning in closer. "What did you come up with?"

"Not a lot," said Jeffery, exhaling heavily. "I know that there's a lot of stuff pent up inside of me. Stuff that I once used alcohol to try and deal with and make go away." Kiara gasped as her brother rested a gentle, comforting hand on her forearm. "I know now that that's not the answer."

"If alcohol's the issue, maybe you should go back to AA. Talk to Kassim. Surely he'll know what to do."

Jeffery nodded, considering the notion. On one hand, the idea of walking back into that church hall made him feel sick. He hadn't been back since the first time he'd returned to his old friend.. or should he say frenemy, alcohol. He hadn't been able to face going back and admitting what had happened. Again. He couldn't face admitting what he'd done. It was too much. It made it feel too real. Right now, it could all have been some horrible nightmare, but admitting it out loud would actually make it real. On the other hand, the idea of talking to Kassim was incredibly appealing. Kiara was right. He probably would know what to do. But, just as he was scared of returning to AA, he was also scared of talking to Kassim, even though part of him desperately wanted to.

It was during the conversation with Kiara that Jeffery found the answer to the question he'd been pondering for the last few hours watching the sun going down. It hit him suddenly, square in the face, and he rose abruptly to his feet, not wanting to forget the idea before he'd had the chance to start to enact it. It had been there the entire time, though it was only now that the picture was complete. The sky, the world, the contents of his racing mind were his subjects, and he knew he had quite a few blank canvases waiting for him in his shed.

"Jeffrey?" Kiara stood up too, though slower than her brother as he bounded excitedly, purposefully down the steps toward his shed. "Jeffrey. You're not going to..." her voice was filled with worry now. "Are you?"

Finally, Jeffrey stopped and turned back to look at her. "No," he said, crossing the space between them to take her hands in his. "No Kiara. I won't. I promise you." He looked at her more closely, seeing now the faint bags under her eyes. "You're tired. It's getting late. Go to bed. I'll still be here in the morning when you wake up."

She nodded, trying to make his words register in her mind. Trying to make herself believe those words, over the fear, uncertainty and doubt that lurked in the shadows.

"I promise." Taking the smile that stretched across his sister's lips as a good sign, Jeffery let go of her hands and turned toward the shed. Now, the darkness that had filled his head for longer than he cared to remember was overtaken by a flood of ideas to fill the pure white canvases that lined his walls. Once inside, he opened the window beside the door wide, allowing in the cool night breeze. He set up his canvas and his easel right near the window, and set to work painting the view before him. Of the dark blue-black sky and the countless million, tiny shimmering silver stars spread across the expanse. He painted the outline of the moon, a bright, glowing white light, a little over to the left and added a few trees here and there on the edges to differentiate it the tiniest bit from the exact view spread in front of him.