Deep Inside

two

"My first husband left me with this and a daughter when he died. In a forest of problems alone with a baby struggling to find something to eat...when I thought I've found someone to support me, And again look what's happening now, my said supporter is a cheating thief whom police is searching and he sold everything leaving me beaten half dead. Why am I so unlucky?" My mother said and started crying none stop saying words I couldn't hear. I understood what she said but what I couldn't understand is, what she was saying my father left her beside me? All those secret made me curious but I couldn't hear anything except for my mother's cries. Despite my curiosity I knew that no one was going to tell so taking steps back I made decision that I was going to find out what was happening around me and stop being selfish complaining about school and bullies not everything was about that.

Returning back to bed, I started thinking my mind was full of memories of that conversation trying to discover what really she meant when she said that he left her another thing. As the time passed my head started to hurt but what I knew is that, that husband of hers left, he had another wife and was a thief, violent also.

The next day in the morning I was preparing to go to school when I heard my grandmother and mother talking, this time I stayed because I couldn't put away the worry that there was something wrong I wasn't aware of.
The husband stole a car...nonono... he didn't practically steal it. He took it from his other wife like he is going for ride and took it to the market and sold it right at that moment as his. He did not stop from there he and my mom had a shop, he came and sold it. When mom asked him what he was doing he beat her at the point the neighbors are the ones that came to her rescue.

I remember when I was seven years a teacher once asked me "who is your role model?" "I don't know." I answered. She started to get angry but honestly didn't know what the meaning of role model back then is and she did not ask me or tell me what role model is, she just assumed I know. She looked at me and then asked. "What do you want to be in the future?" "Journalist." I said without hesitation. "Why do you want to be a journalist, you don't seem like someone who can be that, you don't even know our language, you have always zero percent in class work, you don't even talk a person who doesn't know who role model is can. Not. Build. A career. Stop dreaming and tell me what you want to be." She was shaking her head negatively to show me how unreasonable I am. I started to think asking myself what else I can be, I didn't know any other career, I just said that because I knew some who was a journalist and also witnessed how they help people in need of information I just liked them and they keep busy when I feel lonely. I just wanted to be someone else's company and stop him/her from feeling lonely. Loneliness is not something I would wish for anyone but she, the teacher without even considering that am just a child who wants to be someone, used her words broke my confidence. What's harsh than that?

From that moment I stopped telling others my dreams and plans because of fair of being judged I am afraid of saying something not good to those who is listening to me or those comments that come after, those eyes looking at me with critics telling you what a failure you are, how you can't achieve what you want to achieve just because of your origin or your current status. I always replied by "I want to be like my mother" not because she was the richest mother or because I wanted to be just like her, I want her courage to face the world without showing her fear. I also responded to my role model is my mother.

The day I learnt what a role model is, in my head immediately I saw her, how she raised us alone, how she faced all those difficulties with her head high, how she handled all those betrayals from the people she believed in and how strong she was in mistreatment moment, always had hope even where no one had the courage to think.

That is the fighter I know and want to follow, that woman Genevieve, my mother the strongest person I know.

Form the moment that teacher told me that I made an oath that I will show myself how precious I am and I will not put my trust in anyone no matter what. Because from the moment I turned eight I started to see what people are really.

People are as bad asanimals the only difference is that you can escape an animal but you always arein need of people to keep going and even when you don't want them, you hear andsee them everywhere, it's like principle. But I do rather leave with animalsthan leaving with a human without humanity. They will not betray you, they willserve you and love you they call you master even if you are not brilliant butpeople will find something bad on you, no matter what you for them they willnot be satisfied, when there is an opportunity they will betray you withoutlooking back.

Because of all the bullies, and all those stares when I showed emotions I got from the previous school I felt like I have fallen apart, so on the new school when I started there and it did not change anything my mind was full I didn't have many choices except for being quiet and invisible as possible. But that also was a childish decision because ... well nothing changed students found something to bully me with no matter how invisible I was. First was that I was fat and ugly. When they discovered that this did not affect me, the used ... "she has pimples, those pimples are infect-able don't play with her" maybe that's why now she is always the one to have A+ her intelligence come from those ugly pimples." they said loud enough for me to her everything. Some even replied that they will keep talking to me so that I can raise their grade. So being quiet an invisible was not a good idea.

At this point I couldn't differentiate who was my real friends, but as they say no one is hated by all as no one is loved by all, I met a true friend. Her name is Jane. We started going together everywhere if someone wanted one of us they would look for one of us. Although she always acted as my bodyguard I really loved her. Because of her the bullies reduced but rumors.... No one can stop rumors at school. We were still young but not young not to know that what we were doing could destroy someone's life. But all those teachers couldn't care what they cared about was their salary and bonuses that's final. Every teacher wanted me in her/his class for I could raise his/her bonus. No one cared to ask why always sat alone in class, or why in break time I stay in class and don't go out to play with other children.

From the moment met Jane I started to participate in some activities available but not many I still did not want to show myself. That fear of being judged was there. I talked when necessary or when replying to someone otherwise I was quiet. They started to notice my talents, but there was some people who always found fault in my every move. My bodyguard... aka Jane for my luck was always around to put them in their place.

As time passed I realized that she can't always be there to protect me. So I started to ignore all those rumors, stares, and make sure I always give a smile to everyone. No matter what they said, I knew who is was. And I wasn't going to give them the privilege of changing who I am. This was and still my motto:

"Stay silent and talk when necessary, and make sure that you have a beautiful smile on your lips when you talk to people. Think before talking so you won't hurt anyone by your words" I always reminded myself those in my head before coming out of the house to start my day.

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