Dip$hits in Space, season 1

Episode 15: (Season finale) Pandora's Box

"You're awake." said Duffy almost hugging her.

"What is the damage?" she asked.

"You are evolving into another species." said Lawg.

"Mutating! Seriously, find a dictionary. Anyway, if I turn into something horrible, just kill me and print me back." she sighed. Roy sighed too.

"Can't, quantum spleefter." he mentioned.

"Damn, never considered that. That changes everything and completely kills that game-changer revolution we made just days ago with the immortality machine. But I don't wanna live as a monster, so if you can't fix me and I'm no longer myself, kill me." she said to Lawg.

"Oh don't worry, I would have done it at that point, regardless of request. We don't have the structure and supplies to keep a monster locked up in this ship; you could claw right through the cardboard walls and eat us in our sleep. Sorry." he said drooping.

"Thanks, I think. How much time do I have left?" she asked.

"No way of knowing, maybe ten years, maybe ten pages in crew logs...medicine is not an exact science, apparently." Roy mentioned.

"Find a cure, get me fixed and if you run out of options and there isn't anything left of me to save..." she growled at Lawg.

"Airlock." he nodded.

"No, not airlock! What the hell is wrong with you? Blood boiling, skin freezing, suffocation and popping like a balloon, screw that. Just shoot me in the head or give me a lethal dose of sedative, damn Lawg. Even the brick idea was better than airlock." she objected.

"Just seemed more peaceful to me. Sedatives are expensive and we can't fire guns on this ship without endangering the crew. Think of the impact on your friends having to murder you versus the easy and quiet way of sending you into the void peacefully." Lawg explained.

"Actually, Uka is right." Roy noted. "It's a violent and horrible death, though technically silent, since there is no sound in space." he explained. "She'd be screaming but we wouldn't hear it. I could literally just whack her with a wrench and then ghost her into space after, painless and unexpected." he finished.

"Thank you, Roy." she said squinting at Lawg. "Why can't YOU ever just be the man to volunteer to whack me with a wrench?" she asked.

"I have considered it." he muttered as the ABC song played out of tune over the alarms.

"What is that?" asked Roy.

"Alphabet song, but it's out of pitch. I thought it sounded more menacing in B sharp." he shrugged.

"First of all, I meant what does the alarm mean? Jackass, not what song it was...plus you don't know shit about music...there is no B sharp." he objected.

"Fine E sharp, they sound alike. It's an energy signature alarm, we're being fired at by someone we have been fired at before." he explained. Marley rolled his eyes.

"Boy, that narrows it down." he muttered, heading to the bridge as the ship shuttered with another hit. He punched up the com system and the screen flickered to life.

"Hey! Captain Lumber, of the frosty-treat." grinned Rage, Captain of the blood-storm. Roy rolled his eyes.

"Close enough, Rage. How is the crew of the Blood-storm?" he asked.