The Stand In

Chapter 36

I owed it to him to talk...

"I had my yearly review today, for my epilepsy." I tell him.

He looks at me "Yearly? Why didn't you say? I would have come with you. That's if you would have wanted me too?"

"Would have been hypocritical of me to do that after I demanded to stop being treated like a child."

"It wouldn't have phased me a bit. If you needed me, I would have been there. No matter what. Is the yearly review a big thing?"

I sigh and take a seat on the couch. "It is, well it always feels like it is. The doctor thought he had found the medication for me, but with everything going on and the continual seizures,
he's had to change the medication.."

Zak picks up the ticket for the new prescription. "I wouldn't know how to say that."

"Me either.."

"Are you disappointed?" He asks coming over to sit beside me.

"I am disappointed, hopeful, anxious, confused... It's a mixute."

He nods "I can't sit here and tell you that I know how it feels, I don't. But you know you can talk to me, about all this..."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. El, I will sit here and go through every bit of information for hours if it means that it puts your mind at ease."

"And you'll tell me, everything?" I ask.

"Absolutely."

"Then why didn't you tell me about Mia? Her being in love with me?"

His face is a picture but right now is no laughing matter. I know it should be the last of my worries and that I should be collecting this prescription right now, but I'm not. I'm here, trying to take the confusion out of my head..

Zak sits forward in his seat, rubbing his jaw before spanning his hands out and shifting his rings on his fingers. He was nervous.

"Tell me?" I ask softly.

"I was.. God it sounds pathetic, but I was worried."

"About what?" I ask shifting closer to him.

"Well at first I was mad, mad at her and Sophie for what they had done, how you had a seizure which was no doubt from the stress, I lost it, I laid into her, verbally. I told her exactly what I thought, I didn't hold back. I'm sorry, I know she is your friend but when you head hit the floor..." He trails off looking at the spot on the floor where I had fell.

I reach out and lay my hand on his, trying to break the tormented look in his eyes.

"It will never leave my mind you know, the sound.. When I worked out what her problem was, I was stunned, but then I got jealous. I felt threatened, I guess.."

"By Mia?"

"She has been the closest person to you for god knows how long, hasn't she? She knows everything about you, your likes, dislikes, favourite food, colour, music, TV show, how to handle your epilepsy... She had a headstart in all this and I was worried that maybe you will look at her differently, that you will also feel differently..."

The pieces in my mind move around until something clicks. "You thought that I would break this off and be with her, for safety and familiarity?"

He shrugs. "It sounds pathetic, and I know you're gonna think, 'he's a ladies man, he can have anyone', but that isn't true El. I told you, when I'm with you, I feel the real me, not the asshole I've been playing over the last few years, the playboy bachelor who doesn't care about anyones feelings, as long as I get what I want."

"I don't think that of you at all." I tell him.

"But I don't know that, after the rocky start we've had into all of this, I thought maybe you'd realise that I'm not worth it? That it's better to cut your losses and be with someone who understands you, entirely. Plus it's not my place to tell you, Mia should have been the one to tell you.."

"It was Sophie. She was in the car lot when I came out the doctors surgery, she knew the appointment time because she was the one who put it into my phone."

"Right.." He answers quietly.

Tilting my head, I look at the man before me, and see him, not the Zak who he portrays on TV, but the quiet, reserved, unsure of himself, self conscious man from Washington D.C. Maybe this all linked back to him being bullied in school? The worry of being unwanted and not enough. I also realised that I had never told him how amazing he really is.

I stand up and hold my hand out to him, Zak looks up at me and then down to my hand a little unsure of what I was up to, but he takes it and I pull him into the bedroom and through into the wardrobe. Placing him in front of the mirror, I stand at his side.

"What do you see?" I ask him.

He rolls his eyes "I'm not doing-"

"What do you see?"

With a deep sigh, he looks at himself "A 40 year plus man."

"What else?"

"A scruffy beard, bad eyes, nice teeth, clothing is questionable but it's comfortable, not as muscular as I used to be.."

"Is that how you really see yourself?"

He shrugs "It's a bad day for me to be doing this..." He turns himself to face me, but I move around and stand in front of the mirror.

"Do you know what I see?"

"I dread to think...." He mutters.

"I see, a gentleman, a genuine guy who takes care of me, who has taken my condition on and although there has been some teething pains, has been nothing but supportive. I see a guy who thinks he is better at video games than me, who grumbles in the morning when he has to get out of bed, who always wants a cuddle when he is tired, loves being the little spoon despite being over six foot tall, who has a thing about having his hair played with."

"I see a man who loves his dog, respects his home and other people, who can be a little insecure at times but is also an absolutely specimen of a man, I could swim in your eyes, smell you for a century and I'm the safest I've ever been when I'm with you, I see how you slouch a little in a chair and always rest a hand on your chest when you are reading, how your voice is a little rougher and sexier in the morning,  how you love cooking but won't admit to it because it's not manly enough. I see the man who has a great body, amazing hair and a wardrobe full of clothes that he looks hot as hell in. Zak, I see you, for your entirety, not the house, the cars, your money or anything else. I see you, your personality and your soul.. Kookiness and all."

He shifts looking at himself in the mirror before looking at me. "But-"

"No." I interrupt. "No buts. So what if you don't know everything about me? Make a list and I will tell you it all. But do not think I will leave just because of Mia. She is my friend, nothing else and she never will be because.. I'm not into women. I like the rough and primalness of a man. I like you. Everything about you."

"Really?"

"Didn't last night prove it?"

The shit eating grin that fills his face makes me smile instantly. "Now..." I sigh. "You've got a choice."

"I'm listening." He says.

"You can either try and prove to me that you're the better gamer... Or you can lock the bedroom door and I can prove how much I like you some more?"

His brow quirks.

"What's it gonna be?"

"Meet you by the bed in two." He says running out the wardrobe making me laugh.  As soon as he is out of view, I slide over to his draws and slip out the handcuffs.

Payback is a bitch.