A Touch of Sorrow [Dazai x OC x Chuuya]

Quadraginta Quinque

Haku was a spy, but he also worked in the intelligence unit. His mentor was Sakaguchi Ango who was also a spy, but for the Gifted Special Operations Division. 

"But even if you fail, Mori-san would still win."

"That man Kane said that even committing suicide wouldn't stop the virus once it spread."

The glass clashed against the coaster, giving out a small obnoxious clang. Dazai looked at the ice in the cup as he dipped it down then let it float back up to repeat the act all over. Once his fingertip started to freeze under the cold, he lifted his hand back above the counter. 

"What will you do if you're in Rei's shoe now?"

Haku met those hickory orbs unexpectedly, but they weren't menacing like those times in the past. This time, they were rather sad.

"I don't know." Haku replied.

"If committing suicide won't help once it spreads, then you just have to commit suicide before it spreads."

The silence was obnoxious.

It was not that he didn't know, it was rather that he didn't want to give that answer. Haku knew what the virus would do to the host in the time of its activation. The virus would insert false genes into the host's DNA and therefore create mutations. Ren knew as well, since he asked Araki, and Araki couldn't let him be in the dark.

Ren was doomed to death even if the virus wouldn't activate. The decision was Ren's, not Rei's.

And after those 4 months in the orphanage watching him, he knew the boy would choose death. It was a path leading to freedom for him, and he wouldn't have to bare the guilt of being the mass murdering machine.

If only Shishio was alive, if only the meeting was successful that day, none of this would've happened. And he might have been able to see Ren again, his only friend. 

Haku wanted to see Ren again, to tell him the truth, to tell him about everything and redeem for his sins. 

"Dazai-san, how do you cope with the loss of someone dear to you?"

Dazai turned to the boy as he spoke, eyes opening a bit wider than usual. Those cerulean eyes he stared at glimmered in the dark lighting, getting watery. 

"I don't."

Dazai's words were honest, he didn't cope with it. He didn't think that he could, he never forgets about it, all he could do was distracting himself from it. Ruthless he might've been, but Dazai still had a heart, and it still had power over him. 

Dazai might have tried to separate himself from people, since attachments could be troublesome. But his heart desired those connections, even just one string connecting him with someone else was enough. His heart stopped him, or rather helped him, from being exactly what his ability was, No Longer Human. For the sake of a human Dazai, he couldn't come to cope with the loss of someone dear to him.

Haku chose to be a spy as it didn't require much teamwork, nor did it require him to lead a bunch of people and talk to every single person in his department. He thought it was a good choice, he wouldn't have to bother dealing with other people around him. But there was always an exception that he had no power to change to his will. For the sake of a human Haku, he surrendered to those exceptions with tied hands.

"I've resigned, I work full time in the intelligence unit now." Haku spoke suddenly, drawing Dazai's attention to him.

"But that means you'll have to work inside the Port Mafia Headquarters." Dazai remarked.

Though he incredibly hated socializing, he didn't particularly have to socialize in there. Haku took upon Ango's previous position. And in that office, working with papers and books, he found it quite relaxing. He would struggle some parts first since he was dyslexic, but the fact never bothered him much. He had finally been able to read the word "雪", he didn't think the rest would be as strenuous. 

"I can cope with that."

Haku replied with a smile, raising his cocktail for a big sip. The taste of vermouth caught on his tongue, spreading out a rather bitter taste. He hadn't had a nice glass of Addington in a while. Doing travelling works had its perks, he admitted, such as finding out about fancy restaurants and bars while on missions. Though he knew about Lupin through Ango's recommendation, he hadn't actually come to the bar until this meeting with Dazai.

The quiet atmosphere wasn't one that was obnoxious but was enjoyable to both of them. They needn't to think about anything while, simply enjoying their drinks in the vintage bar. It wasn't complete silence, as the bartender behind the counter continued still with his work of making and serving drinks to other customers, and in addition, there were also small talks of the guests in the back. They all combined to bring out a quite nostalgic feeling.

"Haku-kun, your ability, The Lost Path, allows you to see into people's past, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Do you see people's emotions while watching their paths?"

There was a long pause between the question and the answer. Haku could guess who Dazai was talking about, he actually didn't have to guess, he had already known who it was. 

The reason why Dazai asked was because he knew the one special part of Haku's ability. When he read one's past, he experienced their past in their own shoes, wearing their feelings in the situation. He became that person in their past.

"I do, but I can't always comprehend their emotions."

"Then have you seen hers?"

"I have."

He had, he had even seen Akutagawa's as well on that day they visited the orphanage. He didn't mean to at first, but he hadn't got his glasses with him that time and he couldn't stop the ability once he looked into someone's eyes. He had seen more than he should've, as he had to spend the next day in bed unable to even leave the orphanage to come back to his own apartment. 

"Was she happy?"

"She was more than happy."

In that specific moment when he placed a kiss on her neck with the sole purpose of ridding his own emotions about her, but then failed miserably. In that specific moment when he pulled her into his embrace under the moonlight on her birthday, whispering ever so lightly a birthday wish to her. In that specific moment when she gave him the tie he was wearing then, and destroyed his childish hatred. In that specific moment when she thought about him when she first saw Haku, and letting Haku see only the memories she spent with him.

In those specific moments she was more than happy, that much Haku could comprehend. And seemingly, that much was enough to understand her feelings, and that little question was enough to understand Dazai's feelings.

It was more than bliss that ignited inside her in all of those moments, either those emotions werer positive or negative.

"Why didn't you tell her about Chuuya?"

Dazai didn't reply until he had downed the liquor in his glass to the last drop. 

"Because I am selfish when it comes to her."

In those brown eyes reflected the honesty Haku had never thought Dazai would show so readily. Yet, somehow he was glad to see such emotions from Dazai, even though it was a negative emotion like selfishness. People are allowed to be selfish sometimes, and in that life of the man before him, he was allowed to be selfish sometimes too.