Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

22 December, 1977 - The Tower

Sirius stared at the note, static ringing in his ears. His hand reached for it and took it almost automatically, his fingers brushing hers as he grabbed it. Her skin was cold to the touch.

He unfolded it almost without thinking and read. It was short and yet each word felt like a knife, her gratitude and forgiveness like a double edged sword driven straight through his heart. The hand holding the note dropped into his lap and he looked up at the sky, shaking his head and blinking through tears.

"I'm not delivering this," he said simply, turning to look at her, his vision still blurry.

She didn't look at him. "Why not?" Her voice was flat and emotionless, like she'd run out of the capacity to feel anything at all.

"Because you don't get to just walk away," he bit the words off, his voice strained as he folded up the letter and tucked it into a pocket. He knew it was the last thing she needed right now, but he couldn't deny he was angry. Angry at her for disappearing. Angry at her for thinking she was worth so little. Angry at himself for not doing more. For not fighting harder. For not realizing she was on a knife's edge. But he shoved it down. Anger wouldn't help her off this ledge.

"But what if I want to?" Her voice was barely a whisper and he noticed her hands in her lap, fidgeting with the hems of her sleeves in what seemed to be a nervous habit of hers.

"Why?" he asked, and meant it. "You have so much to live for."

"Like what?" she asked, and at last she turned to look at him. Her blue eyes were soft and sad and desperate, like she was begging him to come up with a reason for her to hold on. "My grandmother's coming for Christmas, and then there's just exams and then... life." She seemed to collapse slightly at the last word, like the weight of it pushed her down.

Sirius felt his chest cave in. "Exactly," he murmured. "There's life. You have everything in front of you. Things will get better. You'll fall in love and get married and you'll have years and years of good in your future."

The look she gave him was almost pitying and it cut him to his core. "No," she countered softly, shaking her head. "I get to spend another year with my family while I wait for Regulus to graduate. We'll get married and that will be that. It's all been decided already." She turned back to the grounds even as Sirius shoved his shock down and away. He would deal with that later. "I don't get to fall in love," she continued, her tone hollow. "I don't get to pick my life."

Which, he supposed, was why she wanted to pick her death. Not that he was going to let that happen.

"You do get to pick," he insisted now, staring at her like he could make her believe it just by the force of his gaze. "You don't have to do exactly as you're told. You don't have to follow their rules. You can leave." He was practically begging her now, but he didn't much care if he came off as desperate. He was. Anything to get her on solid ground right now.

She looked back at him and her face was still and blank again. "No," she whispered. "I can't." She looked away, blinking, staring out at the horizon like she hoped it would give her answers. "You keep looking at me through rose-colored glasses, Sirius. But that's not me. I'm not... good."

She finished with a tense and breathy little laugh that wouldn't have fooled anyone. Sirius could practically hear his heart breaking even as it ached to pull her close. Selfish though he knew it was, he hated to think that the first time he'd heard her say his name might also be the last.

She sighed and turned back to him. "Don't forget who I am," she insisted, her eyes shining with unshed tears and her tone echoing a hopelessness that Sirius could practically feel radiating off her. "I'm a Selwyn. A pureblood. I'm cold and evil and cruel. Soon to be the wife of a death eater. I'm a disappointment if ever there was one." She swallowed and he could see the tear tracks on her cheeks. "I'm not good or kind or anything worthwhile. I'm not like you. I'm not a Gryffindor. I don't get to be brave." She gave a little exhale that might have been an attempt at a laugh. "And even if I did, I'm not. I mean look at me." Her voice caught as she gestured to herself, her breath shaky through suppressed sobs. "I'm so desperate to run away I'm prepared to throw myself off the top of a tower. Cowardly doesn't even begin to describe it."