Cinders [Completed]

Chapter 24: Declarations

"It's okay," I tell him, softly. My hands shake slightly, and I hold them tighter to still them. The realization sinks in my lungs like a heavy stone in water: he has realized that I could never be Queen, and he's going to reject me. He's changed his mind.

I was so stupid, to think for a second that he would want me. I think about how I kissed him, just hours ago, and I feel a mortification so deep that I nearly stop breathing.

Orion sighs.

"You're looking at me like that," he says under his breath, "and it makes it hard to think."

I sit up straighter, blinking at him, blush warming my cheeks.

"What I mean to say - is that -" he takes a deep breath. Then - hesitating and soft - he places his hands over mine.

"We don't have to tell anyone. You don't have to accept those obligations. Whatever part of my life you want, you can have. I know you didn't sign up for being a royal just because you said you want to stay here."

I realize that my mouth is hanging open and I quickly shut it.

"I just - I want to know what to do. What you want to do."

I want to kiss him again. I swallow the instinct.

"I didn't." I begin, and stop. Don't speak before you know what you're saying. "I didn't think that I would have a say," I breathe, my shoulders sagging with the relief that he isn't rejecting me.

"I mean," I begin again, shaking my head slightly, like I'll be able to knock my thoughts into order. "I mean, can I have some time to think about it?"

It feels like the first decision I have ever made. I decided to go to the ball - but that was for Lucy and Elia. I decided to run from the ball - but that wasn't a choice, really. There was nothing else I could have done. Every choice I have ever made has been orchestrated by an external force. This, really, feels like the first choice I have ever had.

Orion nods. "Of course. I just wanted you to know."

His hands are still on mine, and they're so soft and perfect. I think of my own hands beneath them, how one of them puckers into a scar, how the fingers are still slightly crooked, the bones broken by my father.

"I don't care," he begins tentatively, "I don't care what everyone else thinks."

His voice is quiet and beautiful and I feel like my internal organs are melting.

"I care about what you think. I care about what you want. Lee, I want - I want you to -"

He bites his lip, cutting himself off. I drag my eyes away from his lips. But then I'm looking at his eyes, so dark that they absorb light, and I find it hard to keep my thoughts straight.

"You can tell me, Orion," I whisper, terrified of breaking the air between us.

"I want you to stay," he sighs, like a confession. "Here. With me. And I want you to be happy here. I'll pay whatever that costs."

"I want you to be happy, too," I reply, too quietly, and it seems so small in the face of his words.

"I can't say it, like you can. I can't make promises like you can. But I want to. Does that - does that mean anything?"

"Lee," he says. He pauses - but then his hand reaches up, and he presses his warm palm against my cheek.

"It means everything."

I'm not used to talking like this. I'm not used to talking about this. This is raw and open and all emotions and I've never even talked this way with Lucy - let alone with my mate, who I've only really known for a few days.