Dead End

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Bleed

***

"P-please... Raya.."

Nanginginig ang boses ni Laurent sa kabilang linya. Halos manghina ako. Laurent holds a very special place in my heart. And knowing that he's devastated as this when I left, breaks a big part of me.

Pero hindi ko naman pwedeng hindi sundin si Mommy. I was at fault, too. Laurent is, too. If there's only something I could do to ease the pain he's emotionally feeling, I would gladly do so. 

"Laurent, anong gusto mong gawin ko?" Mahina kong tanong. I can sense that he's silently crying. From his quiet but rapid breaths, I can hear his quiet sobs.

Pinatay ko na ang gripo at nagpatuyo sa hand dryer nang makitang ayos na iyon. Nandun pa rin ang hiwa pero medyo natuyo na ang dugo ng sugat ko.

Napagdesisyunan kong manatili muna sa loob ng banyo para ipagpatuloy ang pagkausap sa kanya. This is the least I could do. Ayoko namang lumabas pa at doon makipag-usap dahil panigurado ay magtataka sila. Ayokong maging interesado sila kung ano man ang buhay ko sa Maynila.

Si Schannah, sigurado rin akong magtatanong iyon kung sinong kausap ko at bakit ako nagtagal. And somehow, she would expect me to at least give her an idea who it was, or what was about the call. I don't wanna lie nor make excuses. Soon, mapagsasabihan ko rin siya kapag mas nakikilala ko na siya nang husto.

"Raya, let me see you please. I want to have my chance... please, baby.." Namamaos niyang sinabi. Napapikit ako.

Alright, I want to help him. But I can't. Gusto kong mawala ang sakit na nararamdaman niya kahit kaunti. Pero kung hihilingin niya ang isang bagay na mas lalo lang siyang masasaktan kung tutuparin ko, I'm not doing him any favor. I'm just prolonging his agony.

If I would allow him to see me, Mommy would obviously flip out. At ayoko na ring bigyan siya ng pagkakataong mas umasa pa lalo sa akin kung ako mismo ay walang kahit anong ideya kung kelan ko nga ba sila makikita ulit.

"Laurent, no. Please don't do this to yourself." 

I can't fix him. I'm not the cure to his wounds. I'm not the missing piece in his broken parts. I think we're still young to fall so hard and deep, anyway.

It's funny how I hated those guys in movies, novels or from my friends' stories saying that their reason for letting go was they do not deserve the other person. Since then, I had this thought, if you think the person deserves better, why don't you make yourself the better person he/she deserves? 

"You don't deserve me..." And there, I said it. But in a different context. None of us needs to be better, but we need to be apart.

Narinig ko ang mahina niyang tawa pero bakas na bakas ang uyam doon. I know he finds my statement funny.

"How can you say that? Sa tingin ko hanggang ngayon hindi mo pa rin alam ang epekto mo sa'kin.."

This could go on for a while. Gustuhin ko man siyang kausapin nang matagal ngayon, I'm gonna need a long time to convince him. And this is obviously not the right time or place to do that. Nasa birthday celebration ako ng ibang tao at hindi ako pwedeng mawala nang matagal.

"Please, Laurent. Let's talk some other time when you're sober." Natahimik siya sa kabilang linya. Ilang segundo pa, napabuntong-hininga na lang siya bago nagsalita ulit.

"Alright.." 

Binaba niya na ang tawag. Hindi ako mapakali. Alam kong hindi pa rin nabawasan kahit kaunti kung ano man ang nararamdaman niya. Pero mas maganda kung makakapag-usap kami kapag makakasiguro na ako na ang mga sasabihin niya ay hindi magiging resulta ng impluwensiya ng alak. Damang-dama ko pa rin ang lungkot sa boses niya.