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A X L
It was two weeks after my mom died before I went back to school. I parked my car before heading off to the library, looking for Pat. After that night at the funeral, I never heard from her again. I tried messaging her on Instagram, but she was deliberately ignoring me. I also sent a follow request, but she still hasn't accepted it until now.
Alam kong narinig niya 'yong usapan namin ni Nica, pero hindi ko alam kung paano niya in-interpret 'yon.
All I know is I want her. Just her and no one else.
The past two weeks have been unforgivingly rough. I lost my mom, but I felt like I lost Pat, too.
My dad asked me to come back home. But it was an easy no, knowing my mom is no longer going to be there.
Nagsisisi ako sa pinalipas kong mga buwan na hindi ako tumira sa bahay while my mom was battling cancer. I left home and bought my own condo, all because I was trying to avoid my ex.
There were days when I would wake up feeling completely normal and okay. It would take at least a few seconds for the memory of her death to come rushing back to me, and then the world just crashes down on me in a snap.
I'd give anything to have her back again. Iyong malakas niyang tawa. Iyong masarap niyang luto. Iyong nakakahawa niyang ngiti. Wala na.
Kung maibabalik ko lang ang oras, I would've stayed with my mom every minute of every day.
But it's too late, now.
She's gone.
And no matter what I do, I can never bring her back.
The most I can do now is try and live my life little by little. I'm sure she would have wanted me to move forward, too.
Nang makarating ako sa library ay sarado pa 'yon. I looked around for any sign of Pat—sa field, sa cafeteria, sa gym—but she's nowhere to be found. Sa huli ay naisipan kong pumunta na lang sa studio kahit malabong nando'n siya. Alam ko kasing natatakot siya ro'n, at wala rin naman siyang susi.
Nagsindi ako ng yosi habang naglalakad. Bukas na ang pinto nang makarating ako sa likod ng auditorium, at bukas na rin ang mga ilaw kaya agad akong umakyat.
I stepped inside the small room, expecting to see Kara and Denver, but was instead welcomed by the sight of her. Iyong babaeng kanina ko pa hinahanap at ilang linggo ko nang iniisip.
She was trying to play the guitar while watching a tutorial on YouTube but she stopped when she heard me arrive.
"Ay, nandiyan ka na pala," she said, standing up and holding the guitar awkwardly around her body like some sort of wooden shield. She sounded cold and distant. "Uh. Sige, pasok ka na. Una na muna ako,"paalam niya, akmang lalabas na ng pinto.
I froze for a second. "C-Can we talk?" mahina kong bulong.
She looked at me with a poker face. "What makes you think may dapat tayong pag-usapan?" she asked.
"What makes you think na wala?" I asked, throwing her question back at her.
"Kasi wala," she answered flatly. She walked to the guitar stand and carefully placed my guitar back where I left it. I wonder if she knows she was literally practicing on mine. "Hindi naman tayo. Hindi mo 'ko girlfriend, so I really couldn't care less about your personal affairs, Axl," she said.
Tama nga ang hinala ko kung bakit siya biglang hindi nagparamdam. Pero wala naman kaming napag-usapan ni Nica na dapat niyang ikaselos o ano pa man. Oo, gusto ni Nica na magkaayos kami at magkabalikan. Pero matagal na akong naka-move on. Matagal nang tapos sa akin ang kuwento naming dalawa at kailan man ay hindi na ako babalik pa sa kaniya.
"Oo, hindi tayo. Hindi kita . . . girlfriend . . ." I agreed, feeling strangely shy for the first time in years as I looked down at her face. "But can't you see? Pat, I want you to be," I admitted, holding on to her right arm.
This isn't how I wanted it to happen. I know she deserves better than a lame confession in a dark, musty room. But I also know that if I don't tell her this, now . . . I might never have the chance again.
"Axl, may mata ka ba?" she asked out of the blue.
Of course, I have eyes. What does she mean?
"Nakita mo ba 'yong ex mo? Mukhang model ng Victoria's Secret!" sigaw niya. "Mukha siyang America's Next Top Model. Samantalang ako . . . m-mukhang daing na bangus."
Natigilan ako. Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ba siya. Daing na bangus?
"Oh, tingnan mo. Bakit hindi ka makapagsalita? Totoo kasi! Mukha akong daing. Mukha akong tuyong isda na ilang araw binilad sa araw at ibinabad sa suka—"
"You're the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on, Pat," I whispered, turning her around to face me. "You should know that," I said, fighting the urge to laugh due to the seriousness of the conversation.
I can't believe she would even think of herself that way. Of all the things to compare herself to . . . she chose dried fish. I tried to stop but I couldn't help myself from laughing, even as she scowled in front of me. "Daing na bangus," I moaned, my eyes suddenly tearing up from much-contained laughter.
"Alam mo, napakayabang mo! Palibhasa pogi ka?" She frowned, revealing her cute chin dimple.
"Thank you," I whispered, smiling at her.
"Wow! Nag-thank you ka pa talaga? Feel na feel mong pogi ka? Grabe, sana all may confidence, ano?" singhal niya.
"No, Pat. Really . . . thank you." I held her chin and made her look up at me.
It's hard to believe that just a couple of months ago, she meant nothing to me. But now . . .
"You're the first person to make me laugh in two weeks."
I looked at her, running my eyes all over her face.
How can she be this beautiful and not be aware of it?
I held her cheek and she leaned against my hand as if she, too, was craving my touch.
Our eyes met and I didn't let go.
I just swallowed hard when I realized . . . my heart isn't mine anymore.
