Collateral Damage

chapter 22

It was getting dark as I sat on the bench and reflected on the last few years of my life. The years that I spent with that disgusting son of a bitch.

Did I fall in love with the same man?

I tugged my muffler over my face so that it covered the lower half of my face. It was freezing, but I didn't want to leave just yet.

Whatever he said was right, though, wasn't it?

That I was boring? I never took any risks. I had always lived my life in a careful bubble.

Maybe that why Jill got his attention. She was ready to take risks. And she did take the risk, didn't she? She had an office affair with him. Would I ever do something like that? Probably not. I didn't even take any risks in dating. I began dating Noah because we shared a class in college. Hell, I didn't even meet him at a college party. I hardly went to any after I stopped partying into oblivion.

Maybe if I had taken some risks, I would meet people who were worth my tears.

Someone sat beside me, but I was too busy wallowing in my misery to care.

'You left this at the parking lot.' A bag was put in my line of vision.

My head snapped up to meet dark eyes. He had a warm smile on his face. I had no idea why but seeing him here made me want to cry a river.

And I did cry. I threw my arms around him, catching him with surprise. My head rested on his shoulder and I sobbed into his embrace.

He wrapped his arms around me and caressed my head. 'Shhh...It's alright. I'm here now,' he said in a soothing voice.

I tightened my arms around him and just let myself drown in his warmth.

'Am I boring, Alexis?' I asked when I pulled back.

He let out a chuckle. 'You're asking me? The most boring person on the planet?' he asked.

'You're not boring,' I told him and he raised his eyebrows. 'You're just...distant.'

'That's nice to hear,' he said.

I shook my head. 'No, I'm serious. You never gave me a minute of your time when I first met you. But then, after you got comfortable around me, you're the only person I wanna spend all my time with,' I told him earnestly.

He stared at me. 'You're the most interesting person I know. I avoided you before only because I thought it was for the best. It was what you wanted,' he said, making me furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

'Why would I want that?' I asked.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on his shoulder again. 'I get that now how that wasn't what you wanted,' he said.

I twisted my head to look at him. He turned his head to look down at me. We were so close and all I wanted to do was close the remaining distance. I draped my arm around his stomach. He was wearing a knee-length coat. I snuggled into his side. What was it again that made me leave him?

'You're not making any sense,' I said.

He looked ahead. 'I know now. I didn't know at first that you didn't remember,' he said and let out a breath.

'Didn't remember what?' I asked, staring at the side of his face.

'Me,' he whispered.

'You?' I sat up and turned my upper body to face him. 'Alexis, the first time I met you was at a bar,' I said.

'No, the first time you met me was when you were ten,' he said.

'That's possible,' I nodded. I had no memory of when I was a kid.

'When you left a few years later, I thought another person left me alone. I was angry. At you. At myself for not being able to keep anyone in my life. Then I saw you again years later and I thought I would ask you why you abandoned me. But you didn't recognize me. Didn't even react to my name,' he said. I had never seen his eyes display such a raw emotion. Such deep sadness. He looked at me then. 'I thought maybe you didn't want to deal with me,' he smiled sadly at me.

Tears threatened to fall from my eyes again. I shook my head. 'I didn't know. I don't remember anything,' I choked.

'I know that now,' he said.

'And that box?' I asked.

'It was all your stuff you left at my home years ago. I thought maybe if I kept it, you'd come back to take it. But all it did was drive you away,' he let out a chuckle and looked down at his lap.

All those pictures with him. They were us. That woman in one of the pictures was probably my mom. I didn't even recognize my own mother.

'Oh God,' I started crying.

I was crying for a greater loss. A loss I didn't even know about. I spent more than half my life thinking I had no one. And he spent it thinking nobody wanted him. We were the way we were because of something that happened years ago. We were collateral damage of a tragedy that none of us caused.

He pulled me against him and tucked my head under his. How did I ever live without knowing this amazing person?

'I still don't remember anything,' I said into his clothes, my voice coming out muffled.

'What?' he raised his head so I could speak. 'I only have flashes of my past. I still don't remember. My doctor had said that I might never remember,' I croaked.

'It's okay,' he said. 'It's probably better if you don't remember. Sometimes I wish I could forget what happened.'

'No, it's not okay. It's not okay for me to not remember you. I want to remember you. I want to remember every moment we spent together,' I said, clutching his coat in my fists.

'How about we make new memories together,' he said. 'If you don't know, I'm more awesome now than I was before,' the side of his lips cocked up.

I chuckled. 'I'm sure you are,' I said looking at him through my still blurry vision.

His face turned serious. 'Come home with me,' he said. I noted that he wasn't asking.

'Do I have a choice this time?' I asked.

He ducked his head to press his lips on my forehead. 'You have all the choices in the world,' he breathed.

I raised my eyes to meet his and the intensity in them took my breath away.

'Then I'm taking you up on this,' I said.

His smile was so brilliant that it took my breath away. I had never seen him smile so bright. It reminded me of the picture in his room. He looked so much like the boy in that picture. He hadn't lost his smile. It was just buried under all the despair he carried with him.

We stood up and started walking. He stopped a few steps later and faced me.

'There's one condition though,' he said.

'What? Again?' I asked. He and his stupid conditions.

He put his hands on my shoulders. 'You'll like it,' he said.

I rolled my eyes. 'I doubt it,' I said.

His hands traveled up my neck to cup my face. As he leaned in, my heart started going haywire.

'No separate rooms this time,' he whispered before his lips touched mine. I was robbed of all the breath I had as his lips moved against mine. My hands moved to his sides, inside his unbuttoned coat and I pulled him closer.

I had my fair share of toe-curling kisses. But nobody had ever kissed me like that. Like they were stripping you to your essence.

When he pulled back, it was a miracle I was standing on my legs. I was out of breath and incredibly turned on and he hadn't even used his tongue. Or his hands. My mind whirled at what would happen if he did use those.

He had a devilish smirk on his face as he tried to control his breathing.

For a moment I just stared at him.

'Good condition,' I said, nodding and licking my bottom lip, eliciting a chuckle from him.