The Everyday Adventures of Sam and Megan (GirlxGirl)

Season 4: Episode 1

"Why would you have to sell your car?"

"Because isn't that something parents-to-be do?"

"No." Dr. Dupree laughed. "You don't have to sell your car, Sam. Not if you don't want to."

"I just..." I groaned. "What if I'm bad at it?"

"What if you're not?"

My shoulders shrunk. We were going nowhere but in circles. Truth be told, this was just Dr. Dupree's ingenious way to make me admit the truth – the real truth – about what I was feeling. I took a deep breath and readied myself.

"What if I just mess up a child even more than they already are from being in the system?" I asked.

Dr. Dupree made a quick note before looking up at me. The comment seemed to come out of nowhere, but, apparently, it was something that appealed to her. Appealed enough for her to finally engage with me fully.

"You're afraid your past will hurt the child and the child's future?"

Yes, of course.

"I'm afraid of a lot of things."

"Sam."

"Yes," I forced. "Children need a lot of love. Children, especially broken children, need love and validation and support..."

"All of which you seem to successfully provide to the most important people in your life."

We just stared at each other. I knew she was right, technically, but I still had issues. Then again, a lot of parents had issues. Also, a lot of parents tended not to even address their issues in the first place.

"You see Sam..." Dr. Dupree began. "People who experience abuse tend to inherit the toxic traits of their abusers. They develop the same habits and the cycle remains unbroken."

"But people who face their abusive past and habits, and learn to recognize toxic patterns..." She smiled at me. "They also learn how to break the cycle. Just like you're doing here, with me."

Ugh. She was right.

"It's okay to not feel ready," she claimed. "It's likely you never feel one-hundred-percent ready to raise a child. Most people who become parents aren't prepared when it happens. Most people who become parents are bad at it right off the bat."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" I asked.

"No," she answered. "But it is meant to make you think."

"Well, then I guess you've done your job."

"Then, I guess that makes the couch worth it."

I laughed, but she had given me plenty of thought to chew on. She had made a lot of good points, but it sucked thinking that I might never feel "ready" to have a child. I mean, there have been instances, or more like flashes of time that lasted mere seconds, of when I would picture a tiny Megan running around the house. A little girl with those same eyes I loved so much. Those moments were few and far between, but they still happened.

It was one thing to not feel ready, but it was another to lack the ability to step up and be the parent you needed to be.

And I was afraid when the time came, I wouldn't be able to step up.

* * *

Megan entered the house and Charlie ran straight for her feet, jumping and pawing to be either picked up or petted. I called to calm our pup from the kitchen, but it was no use. Megan was Charlie's favorite, after all.