Just Pretend, cb {completed}

62

*doing okay*

It's been a month since i ended things with Corbyn and weirdly, i don't feel as bad as i thought i would. I still haven't gotten an explanation for his actions but oh well, clearly i didn't mean as much to him as i thought i did.

Like i'm hurt, but i've come to terms with it. I've come to terms with the fact i just need to be myself and i've come to terms with the fact i don't need him to be my source of happiness.

I need to be my own happiness and i'm doing that. I work at a studio on the weekdays, I go to party's, i have my own group of friends. I'm being me.

I still talk to his friends but its mainly just small talk. Daniel and I would be the closest because we live together. Ashley and I don't really talk much anymore but every now and then she will check if i was okay.

I go to therapy and i'm not in the limelight. I'm comfortable in my own skin for the first time in two years without the help of Corbyn.

I'm a whole month sober of not trying to end my life. However, i don't sleep. I find it very difficult to sleep and every time i do sleep i have nightmares so i rely on a drug called modafinil to keep me awake.

My nightmares usually consists of me dying, because i nearly did. They consist of my loved ones dying and i hate that. So to prevent it; i don't sleep. I go for naps during the day but that's about it.

No one knows i take it, i hide it in the medicine cabinet in an old pill box. It works and none of the boys i live with question it. It also helps me focus on things, and helps me get shit done properly. It makes me feel better.

People know we're not together anymore but no one knows why, i wanna keep it that way. I'd probably get the blame for ending the relationship too though.

I know he's not doing his best, He completely went off at fans saying they were the reason we're not together anymore. He's got a point; if they all didn't hate me so much i wouldn't have felt the pressure to do anything. But it's also his fault and he can't deny that.

I'm really good friends with a boy called Eben, he knows Corbyn but says they don't really get along. His fandom love me like absolutely adore me and it feels good to finally be around someone who's fanbase isn't toxic. Someone who's not toxic in general.

Luke, Louie Eben, Daniel and I, moved into a house. The Johnsons just randomly bought it as a gift for Louie and I and we decided to all live together. Luke transferred from a hospital in Florida and this new house is close to Louie's University so it's pretty handy.

Eben and I have a very very flirty friendship, like very flirty friendship. There's just something about him that's so welcoming and let's me trust him so easily. We always flirt but never mean any of it.

It's Sunday today and Daniel is hosting a party, i'm helping his get our house ready.

"I can't believe you still don't drink." He sets a bunch of alcohol out on the counter.

That's also changed about me, i do drink but i know when to stop. As soon as i start getting tipsy i stop myself. However, every now and then i do smoke. Not cigarettes, but weed. Eben got me into that and he wasn't lying when he said it helps forget all problems. It really does.

"I do drink, Just i don't get drunk." I finally manage to connect my phone to the speakers, Daniel installed bluetooth speakers running throughout the whole living room and it's so handy for parties.

"Have you ever been drunk? Honestly, it's so fun and makes you forget about all your problems." He laughs, opening a bottle with his teeth. He tilts his head back and takes a swig.