Sinful Discovery

013

"Why not?"

I shrug in response.

Sky frowns at me and moves from the way, walking away. I follow beside him and he's unusually quiet. I slant to the side until my body bumps into him.

"What?"

Now he shrugs in response.

"What did I say?" I'm confused now, scared that I might have pissed him.

"Nothing," he's voice is low. "That's it. You didn't say anything."

"Well what do you want me to say?" I sigh, dipping my hands into my pockets. "Thank you?"

"Maybe. Why did you shut up?"

I silently think about it, then I decide to just speak without thinking. "Because that was weird to hear?"

"What was weird?"

"You calling me handsome?"

He stops walking, I could already see the school from where we were. "Why? Because you don't believe it's true or because it's me telling you?"

I look up at him, my eyes meeting his stunning ones and he looks sincerely curious, no trace of humor. "Because you're telling me."

"Because I'm a guy." It wasn't a question.

I don't say anything and Sky takes a step closer to me. I open my eyes wide, wondering if he plans on coming more closer and why he was doing so. Sky looks seriously at me. Not a frown and not a smile either. "Well what did you think about me?"

"Huh?"

"What do you think about me?" He repeats. "Do you think I'm ugly or handsome or what?"

I look down and swallow air because my throat seems tight all of a sudden. "I dunno."

"Come on Israel, don't fuck with me." I look up at the cuss and he still has his serious look on.

"I'm not..."

"Then tell me."

"I—"

"You've got to think something about my looks. Please tell."

"I du—"

"You fucking know."

It's like he's purposely using the swear word to rile me up and my heart is beating faster now. "Fine."

"Fine." I see a slip in his composure. A twitch of the lip that I clearly wasn't supposed to see.

"I... I..." I gulp but my eyes don't leave Sky and now the composure has slipped, he's smiling now. "I think you're beautiful."

The air between us thins out, the silence between us louder than my heartbeat. I'm not sure I see it right but Sky's eyes flick to my lips before he stumbles back like I just hit him, hand on his chest where his heart is positioned.

Heart be still...please.

"Ah," he groans bending down, "Israel you sure know how to make a heart pound."

I don't know what to say so I just kick my foot on the ground, watching a tiny stone roll away. I can't explain how I feel— something very close to overwhelmed would have to do.

"Israel?" Sky calls for the third time before I answer by looking up. He looks a little worried and I understand that because I'm a little worried for myself too. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure." I sigh.

Sky has his scrutinizing eyes on me again and I just try to focus on the uneasiness in my stomach.  Last time I told a boy he was cute, it didn't exactly go very well.

"Beautiful is okay, right?" I say without thinking, looking up to catch his eyes.

Sky narrows his eye a bit but nods, "yeah." He then smirks a little. "I'd have preferred hot though."

The words are already coming out my mouth before I stop them. "I'm sorry, it's just how I see—"

"Hey hey," Sky enters my personal bubble this time as he places both hands on my shoulder. "It's completely okay. You have no idea how I feel knowing I'm beautiful in your eyes."

He looks genuine about it, happy too. I shut my eyes when I feel his hand run down from my shoulder down until his fingers are wrapped around mine. "I think it's okay to tell you you're handsome and for you to tell me how you see me too."

I nod and I know I'd do something crazy if I open my eyes so I just squeeze his hand tightly and smile. "Sure."

He leaves my hand and moves back further before I open my eyes. I see his eyes, more dilated and he looks away like I just caught him doing something he shouldn't be. I smile and pat him like he pats me. "We should go."

He just nods and we complete the walk back to school, enter our different cars and drive away after saying goodbye.

------

It could be just a phase.

I rolled over to look at the ceiling with a frown.

It can't be just a phase that's been going on for years now.

I sit up on my bed and pull out my phone. Going to the text app and opening up my conversation with Sky. I was the one who texted him first today in class and he replied twenty minutes later. Then we text back and forth and later he suggests that we meet after school and go for a little walk. That's what led to the wrong singing and dancing and calling him beautiful.

I open a folder titled Sky on my phone gallery and I see his eleven pictures there. I scroll down to the first one I got from his Facebook page and I smile on seeing it. He truly is beautiful, the most beautiful. I was thinking of starting to avoid him after today but now that I look at his picture and his wide smiling face, I know I can't. He hasn't done anything wrong to me and I haven't done anything wrong either. His only crime is being so beautiful and interesting. My only crime is the way my heart pounds when I'm with him and how I think of stupid things.

Did he want to kiss me?

I jump out my bed at the thought of that and keep my phone down, deciding to do some little squats to exhaust myself so I can sleep.

Don't think stupid thoughts Israel, don't.

I've already started the stupid thoughts, I say back to my conscience. Why not just finish it.

Just one more.

Just one more stupid thought then; if he did want to kiss me, I wouldn't have minded... much.

My legs buckled beneath me and I fell to my floor, panting a bit with a shy smile. I really really wouldn't have minded much.

In that moment I wasn't Israel Taylor the Christian Church boy. I wasn't the good boy who didn't dare do bad or sin. I was just me. Just me.

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