𝐍𝐎𝐍-𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒

She's Sisyphus even in a corporate scene and they're calling her dumb slut

God, relationships are difficult. Being alone may be miserable, but at least it's easier.

I had found some dresses to try on, but after a few changes, I flopped onto my bed. I took my phone out. No messages. I guess Matty was playing hard to get. Obviously, he was succeeding.

I opened Instagram. He had posted a story. I opened it immediately: it was a mirror selfie. His face was covered by his phone, his curls popping out behind it. He was wearing his floppy black jumper - its deep neckline showed his evergreen bike chain necklace - flare jeans and a pair of Chelsea boots. The only text was "wyd".

I stared at it for a while, and before my brain even realised what I was doing, I took a selfie too. I only framed my face, cause I was still wearing one of the dresses I tried on. I didn't want him to see I was getting ready for a party he wasn't invited to. I added the selfie on my Instagram story and wrote "just vibing".

I laid back on bed, facing the ceiling, waiting.

After a couple of minutes, I opened Instagram again. Scrolling through my story's viewers, trumanblack popped up. The circle around his icon was coloured again. I opened it. This time, you could only see one of his legs in the picture. He was probably sitting in his studio. In front of him, a messy table: rolling papers, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a notebook and a pen. He wrote "wanna vibe together?"

Fuck, what was I doing? I couldn't see him tonight!

I decided to call him and tell him the truth. You know what they say, communication is key. So let's communicate. But before I could call, I noticed Matty posted a new story. I quickly opened it and it was a picture of the studio again, but there were other people with him. Among the other people, I recognized the other boys, and Bea.

This time he wrote "you know what, never mind".

I stared at the picture. Was he mad? Why? "Never mind", what an asshole. He doesn't need me when he's surrounded by people, isn't it?

I got up and dragged myself towards the mirror. I took off the dress and tried on another one. Why bother? I asked myself. He wasn't my boyfriend. I wasn't his girlfriend. We talked about it this morning. We were just two people who spent time together, sometimes. We didn't have to see each other all the time. I stared at my reflection. I chose a lurex black dress with long sleeves. I did my make-up mechanically. Why should I bother? I asked myself again. Why should I care if I won't see him for a month or two? I didn't physically need him around. I thought I did, but you know what? Never mind.

Natalie's face expression was priceless. I bet she already knew we were up to something.

We decorated the walls of her house with the most awkward pictures of her and post-it notes with birthday wishes. We also organised a sort of buffet - Sadie and Ketih loved to cook. To concur with Natalie's wishes, we invited all the people she knew and all their friends too, and their friends' friends. The living room was pretty crowded. Loud music was playing.

Me, Natalie and Sadie headed straight to the alcohol corner.

"Thank you, guys, this is amazing" Natalie giggled. "I really wasn't expecting it"

"Oh, you're such a liar" I commented.

"You should have seen her last year" Sadie told me, "she started organising her party a month earlier. Not even for her own wedding would she have done such a thing"

"I'm a bit extra" Natalie shrugged. "But this year I've been too busy with uni, and I'm so glad you thought about it!"

She hugged us and jumped up and down like a kid. Her happiness was contagious. She looked at me. "Why didn't you invite Matty and his friends?"

I glanced at Jeremy from the other side of the room, but before I could open my mouth Sadie spoke: "I invited him, he said he was busy"

"What? You invited him?" I raised my eyebrows.

"I automatically sent the invitation to all of my contacts" she shrugged.

"Why do you even have his number?"

She looked elsewhere. "He called me once this summer. I may have given my number to Ross months ago and Matty probably asked if he could give it to him, when he had no idea of how to call you. Who do you think gave him your number?"

"Whatever, what did he say?"

"That he was busy. What's wrong?"

I shook my head. So Matty knew about the party. And he knew I didn't want to invite him. Was he mad? Is that what "never mind" meant? Or worse, what if he decided to show up? Jeremy would go off on one.

I parted ways from Natalie and Sadie and headed straight to the balcony, away from the chaos. I stared at his name on my phone before pressing the green call icon.

He picked up after a few rings. "Yeah?"

"I can explain" I said instantly.

"You don't have to" he replied dryly. His voice was cold and calm. "I get it. You want your space, I don't mind. You could have just told me this morning when I asked you if I was going to see you tonight"

"No, no, it's not that. It's – it's complicated"

"Yeah, it always is" he cut short. "Now I ain't got no time"

"Wait, I –"

"No, I won't wait", he snapped, annoyed. "I'm tired of this game"

"I'm not playing!", but he had already hung up the phone.

My eyes were burning, but I held back the tears. This morning I was so happy, and now everything was a mess again. All I needed was a better timing and a bit of luck. But no, if I wasn't the reason of my own problems, someone else had to complicate things for me. I looked up at the dark sky, wondering what the universe had wrought when it made life so sad and disinclined.

I went back inside to put something in my stomach, something like too much wine.

Everything happened so fast, I wasn't even paying attention when Natalie asked me to take pictures of her and every other single person in the house, and begged me to send them all to her right now so she could post them on Instagram. She laughed at me as I was desperately trying to do it, while the alcohol was blurring my vision. After sending her something like one hundred and eighty pictures, I scrolled through my chats, but I couldn't find the name I was searching for. When he phoned me, that gloomy summer morning, months ago, I saved his number, but we've never exchanged texts so far. So I scrolled through my list of contacts, pressed Matty and I typed messages I was going to regret later.

You | 02:47AM
Wjy were you so cold

You | 02:48AM
I wanted yo see you

You | 02:48AM
But jereny is a dick

You | 02:58AM
Nattyy please

You | 02:58AM
I meabt Natty

You | 02:58AM
Fuxj

You | 02:58AM
MATTY

You | 03:11AM
Donr make me sad

You | 03:20AM
Im sad

Matty | 03:34AM
Where are you now?

5 missed calls from Matty