Memoirs of a Not So Average B****

This Changed Everything

Before Jays funeral services I had made a confession to Estefani. I was just so under pressure, I couldnt bare it anymore. I guess I was just done with the world, I was over everyone and everything. It was the most depressed I had been and I just stopped giving a fuck.

What I confessed to Estefani was that Marcos, her father, my step father, would always act weird with me. She told me to be specific, so I did...

I told her that her dad would always tell me weird things. He would always tell me "You know how I feel about you" or just give me weird nicknames like "Miss Tanga" which means Ms. Thong... He was just inappropriate and "fatherly love" wasnt even the case anymore. Its not just the weird comments, remarks, and nicknames either, its what he was doing too. He would always caress me, make comments about my body, always hug up on me and feel me up... sometimes he would even ask if I was his... the memory sends chills throughout my body and nauseates me. He would ask me if I shaved my private area, and then he would pull the waist line of my pants and see for himself. He would always touch my behind, and spank and bite it... Thats not what fathers do..

Estefani just stared blankly at me. Taking in the information, she started crying and she then told me that she had noticed these odd behaviors. She brought up an incident we had when she and I went to a kick back, we got really drunk at that kick back and when we got home that night sure enough, Marcos was awake. He didnt notice her drunkenness but he noticed mine. He immediately started yelling at me and then I, feeling brave, told him to fuck off because he wasnt my real dad. This hurt him and he said stuff, I dont remember, then I slapped him. That's when I broke down. I brought up what happened with Eugene, and then I turned to Estefani and yelled "your dad too!" Estefani then told me that ever since that night she had been observing her dad and noticed. She then confided in me and told me that her aunt Jeanne and her grandma had noticed too, and that they had talked to him about it. They told him to stop or else he would end up in jail, and she even slapped him.

After that Estefani didnt talk to me for a week. Obviously Marcos ignored me and made life miserable like he always did when he didnt have his way. A few weeks passed and one day no one was home, except the kids and I. Mother had gone to work, and Estefani was with her aunt. I was cleaning my bathroom, when I heard his truck, indicating that he was home. One of the worst sounds ever, except for when he left for work, that meant peace. To this day that sound still makes me tense and hold my breath. I later heard the door and the little ones talking to him. Then he came into my room and made his way to my bathroom, he said "Buenos dias". I just looked at him and very seriously said the same thing back and continued to clean. He stared for a while and then asked almost as if hurt "¿No me vas a dar mi abrazo?" "You're not going to give me my hug?". I looked at him and nodded my head, and he walked away. It was then that I realized that I was done taking his crap, I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. He still made life miserable and continued to ignore me, even in family settings.

It wasn't long before Jay's funeral day came up, but before that they had a viewing. My mother attended the viewing with me. It broke my heart to see him laying in that casket. I wanted to reach in and tell him to wake up. I never cried so much in my life. I'll never forget hugging Trey and then feeling someone tap my shoulder. It was his mom, I had never met her before that day, I was surprised she knew who I was. She hugged me and said "Jay was trying to go visit you during the summer, but I didn't let him because it was late at night already. He talked about you a lot, he loved you, he really did love you." As we were hugging I just broke down, and I told her thank you, because I really needed to hear that.

Later on that day we were discussing the funeral, and I asked my mom if I could go, and she was like you don't have a ride. I told her that Meagen could give me a ride, to which she responded that I had to go ask Marcos. When we got home, I asked Marcos if I could attend. He responded very coldly, "No, I have a dentist appointment, I need you to take care of the kids."

When the day of Jay's funeral came I was really sad, and It was like an hour before the service was suppossed to commence, and Marcos was laying down in bed watching TV with no intentions of going anywhere any time soon. So I asked him if I could go to the funeral, and he was like, you don't have a ride. To which I responded Yes I do, and he wasn't expecting that, so he asked with who? I told him Meagen would take me, and he told me he would think about It, and that I had to clean the house. The house was a mess to begin with so I didnt know how I was going to clean it in an hour and then get ready.

After I cleaned most of the house, I only had 10 minutes left and I asked if he had made up his mind yet, and he said yes, so I asked if I could use his phone so I could call Meagen to pick me up. He remained silent for 5 minutes. Maybe he thought I would get tired and leave, I dont know, but I stayed there until he handed the phone over. I called Meagen just in time, she told me she would be outside my house in three minutes. I fixed myself up as best as I could in 3 minutes and I left.

I remember being so frustrated thinking about everything I had to do just to see my best friend get buried... I shouldn't even have had to do that, Its my best friend, it should've been no questions asked. That was the last straw, no more.