SmackDown: Back to Our Roots

Round 6: The Beginning Is the End - @Wuckster

"I still don't understand what all the fuss is about," Captain Jlvrb said. "I thought the canisters just contained some microbes. Germ warfare has long been a fully accepted part of our conflict with the Lokzurians. They've done the same thing to us. Remember the Great Sneezing Epidemic of 4999999998? That was totally them."

"Yes, but these are no ordinary microbes we're talking about here," Xprgh said. "This is far beyond the worst plague that you could possibly imagine. I know you military types aren't exactly known for your imaginations, but this is beyond what even our greatest minds believed was possible."

"Wow, this sounds juicy, sir. You've got to fill me in with more details."

"Their creation was a complete accident actually. We weren't even intending to make weapons. Someone left some moldy potato salad out in the sun after a garden party. This was right before the custodial union went on strike the first time, so nobody came to clean it up for several weeks. When the hazmat crews finally went in, we discovered it was covered with microbes unlike anything we'd ever seen before. We rushed them to the lab for immediate analysis. At first it seemed like they were completely harmless. In fact, we were all set to abandon our studies of them all together. Someone put them in a jar to be disposed of along with other rubbish items. You know, like water and oxygen. But then the custodial union went on strike again and that jar got left under a heat lamp and the next thing we knew something strange began to happen."

Xprgh fell silent and got a distant look in his eyes.

"Go on," Captain Jlvrb prompted.

"The microbes began to change. They grew increasingly more complex and soon became multicellular organisms. Over millions of years they spawned into a wide variety of lifeforms, but ultimately they transformed into a big-brained bipedal creature we called 'hoomans.' These hoomans were fascinating at first. They displayed great capacity for creativity and ingenuity. But unfortunately they also displayed a tendency towards psychopathy. They inevitably used their powers of innovation to create bigger and better ways to kill each other and completely decimate any environment they were placed in. And then it wasn't long before they turned on us. They wiped out an entire research team before we were able to send in enough troops to take the psychotic little buggers down. They trashed the lab something fierce as well. The cleanup of the aftermath was what led to the third custodial union strike."

"Maybe that was just an unfortunate fluke," Captain Jlvrb said.

"We took that into consideration. Multiple experiments were performed on the microbes under much stiffer scrutiny and security. Whenever they were exposed to oxygen, water, and light they inevitably turned into hoomans after a sufficient amount of time had passed. And each new batch of hoomans was even worse than the previous one. The only thing they were better at than killing and destroying was multiplying and spreading. We ran numerous test models and each one concluded beyond a shadow of a doubt that if hoomans were allowed to continue unchecked they would eventually overrun the entire universe and destroy everything. They are, quite simply, the most dangerous object in all of existence. I admit we had briefly entertained notions of using them as weapons against the Lokzurians, but it soon became apparent that we would wipe ourselves out just as thoroughly as we would obliterate our enemies. We were able to destroy all of the fully-formed hoomans we created, although we took significant casualties ourselves in the process and suffered a lot of property damage. All that remained was those ten canisters of microbes. I instructed you to travel as far away as possible when you disposed of the canisters for the sake of safety precautions, but no amount of distance will be sufficient in the long run if those hoomans get unleashed. It may take billions of years, but make no mistake, they will spread and they will lead to our utter destruction."

"Gee, it sounds like we might want to track that canister down after all, doesn't it? But what are the odds it would actually crashland on that planet with all the water and oxygen? It's got to be pretty slim, right?"

"The stakes are much too high to risk it. That planet must be found. If the canister can't be located we'll have to vaporize the planet. And if the microbes have taken root there it becomes absolutely imperative that we destroy that planet. No matter what, that planet is going to have to be annihilated even if it takes us untold eons to locate it again."

"I understand the severity of the situation, sir. All available resources will be diverted to locating and destroying that planet. We're going to need to come up with a name for it though. We can't keep referring to it as 'that planet.' That's just cumbersome."

"Yes, I've already thought of that," Xprgh sighed. "And I'm afraid I have the perfect name. What is the worst, most horrifying and forbidden word in the Zargolin language? The word that's unfathomable above all others due to the sheer awfulness and depravity of it?"

"Surely you can't mean..." Captain Jlvrb said. "Not that word. Anything but that. Just the thought of that word sends shivers down my spine."

"Which is exactly why it is the perfect name. The planet in question shall henceforth be known as 'Earth' and it must be found and wiped out of existence or all is lost."

"I shall get on this right away, sir," Captain Jlvrb said as he turned and rushed out of the room.

Xprgh waddled slowly back to his chair and eased himself into a sitting position. He suddenly felt a few thousand years older. He glanced at the peace treaty, which somehow seemed kind of trivial now. Letting out another sigh, he reached for his cup of coffee and took a sip. Not only was it still not sweet enough, but now it was cold, too. The Grand Imperiax Xprgh was truly not having a good day.