poems of a sad blur

i can't just be your friend

i can't just be your friend
i've tried so hard
but i see you
and my knees go weak
my stomach starts f l u t t e r i n g
with tiny butterflies.
my heart pounds into overdrive
and my palms feel sweaty
as my brain turns to mush
because of the oxytocin coursing
through my veins in a way b l o o d never could
and I lose my words,
my train of thought

i can't just be your friend,
knowing how my hand once felt in yours
knowing how your arms would swallow not just me
but the pain of being me
knowing how it felt when you looked at me like I was the world
and you were discovering it for the first time
again and again and again with every glance
knowing that the sparkle in your eyes
was filled with secrets only we would share
knowing how your body would always search for mine
even when your mind was so blissfully unaware
knowing how your lips felt against mine 
lost in a promise that could never break

i can't just be your friend
knowing how it feels to have had you
knowing what it was like to have you on my side
by my side
looking after me
knowing how you make me laugh at nothing
knowing that you were my biggest supporter even when i didn't

i can't just be your friend
because it hurts when you don't respond
and i like i'm nothing
or like i hurt you
because it hurts waiting all day for a message i won't get
or a response that will break me
even more than it appears you already might have

i can't just be your friend
knowing i feel this strongly about you
but you don't give me a second glance
knowing that there's the possibility you will love someone
someone that's not me
and i will have to sit there like
i'm not dying on the outside
like i'd be dying on the inside

i can't just be your friend
knowing your heart is big and strong
knowing you could love me
but you don't

i can't just be your friend
because every conversation makes me fall
more and more and more down the rabbit hole
and i fall more and more and more
in love with the person you are

so i can't just be your friend
not ever like this
with the pit swallowing me alive
as you thrive
and i try to stay afloat

i can't just be your friend
and for that

i

am

sorry.