Sinful Discovery

001

But my prayers got all messed up because even behind my closed lids all I could see was cat boy's smile.

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That day in church wasn't the first time I've found a boy beautiful, no. It happens, not all the time but it happens. I don't actually know the first time it has happened but I know I've always thought Al, Nessa's best friend was beautiful. He had blond hair and blue eyes and anytime he came around to the house (which wasn't much because mum hates boys coming over to the house for Nessa, be it friends or anything) I'd stay in the stairs and look down at him laughing in the sofa until he either caught me or I decided to go.

Then there's Lou, the French boy in school. He had a buzz cut and always dressed with swag that was way above our age. One day, I just clocked eleven, I walked up to him and told him I thought he was cute. Lou had scrunched up his face and said thanks, looking at me all weird and when I walked away he laughed with his friends. I didn't get what the fuss was about, they walked up to girls and told them they were cute all the time. I even overheard Nessa saying over the phone that she told some guy in her grade that he was cute. It was the normal, I thought.

But with the rumors that started out later, I figured out it was okay for girls to say it to boys and boys to say it to girls but it wasn't okay for boys to say it to boys. I didn't get it but I apologized to Lou after and the topic died down. I told Nessa about it and she narrowed her eyes at me and told me not to do that anymore, that it made me seem gay.

"What's that?" I had asked, curiously looking at her.

"Gay?" She asked back distract as she continously typed on her phone.

"Mm."

She waved her hand, "don't worry about that Is, it's a sin."

I didn't get it but Ma called us down just then for dinner and I immediately forgot about it all. Until the day at the church, during Granny Hunt's funeral mass. After the prayer and during the communion, I still couldn't completely look away from the boy. My eyes somehow returned to him, whether trying to be subtle or open staring. Sometimes I caught him looking back, other times I didn't. I could bet my greek gods collection that if I got to talk to him then, I would tell him he looked beautiful.

I thankfully didn't get to talk to him because immediately after the mass, he and his family were gone. They probably left to go bury Granny Hunt once and for all. We on the other hand stayed behind so ma could greet the other women, dad could attend a church meeting and Nessa talk a bit with her friends. I sat on my own, cat boy bouncing in and out of my mind.

Ma didn't take my phone but warned me never to pull out my phone during a mass anymore and after dinner, I ran up to my room and locked my door - disobeying one of the house rules. I prayed to God to forgive me as I turned off the lights and turned on my phone.

Gay.

I quickly typed it out on Google, pulling my blankets over my head as I read and I read, sleep being the furthest thing from my mind. I looked up pictures I probably shouldn't be looking at and read stories beyond my age. By the time I was done I was enlightened but more confused.

I didn't want to kiss cat eyes, I just wanted him to know he was beautiful and probably get to know just how soft or strong his hands were. But then again, I've never wanted to kiss any girl and honestly if Lou were to kiss me, I wouldn't be mad.

I cringed, shutting my eyes tightly to keep the tears in.

Was I gay? Is it unnatural? Of course. Guys don't marry guys, who'd reproduce like God said? Was it truly a sin? If I was gay, then that'll make me a sinner who'd go to hell? But then, if indeed I was gay, I didn't chose this for myself.

I threw my phone to the ground, squeezing myself around my blanket. Ma would kill me if I am gay, I cried to myself.

But then, from some of the stories, it's love.

Love wasn't a sin, was it? Maybe this was an exception, maybe in this case love is a sin.

I'm not a sinner, I'm not gay and I won't go to hell.

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So... What do you think?

Since I started writing lgbt books and even in all my books, I've always tried to stay clear of religion. But then we can't deny that religion plays a big role in the LGBT community and the struggles surrounding it go on in a lot of places. I don't know what I aim to achieve with this but I'm definitely not going to be disputing or shaming any religion. I'm Catholic Christian too and all I want to do is tell a story of Isreal.

So remember it's Israel telling y'all his story, his thoughts and belief and they have nothing to do with me.

Vote and comment.