𝐍𝐎𝐍-𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒

Oh that grace, oh that body, oh that face makes me wanna party

"Sorry, Sir", Matty said, clearing his throat.

I tried not to laugh, but probably failed cause the man glanced at me, annoyed. "And how is she even allowed to enter here?"

"Hey! I'm twenty-two and how are you-" I tried to protested, but Matty pushed his whole palm against my face and murmured "shut up, love", and to the man: "we're leaving now"

I followed him outside and - no matter we were both giggling at that man thinking I was a minor - as the breeze hit my cheeks I realized once again all the things that couldn't work between us. He was an ex junkie, afraid to be lonely, I was a messed up girl afraid of commitment, and an 8-year gap separated us. I knew it, he knew it.

But the air was so cold, and he took my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. I looked up at him and felt I didn't care right now. I rested my head on his arm as we walked through the cold streets of London at 3 AM.

"I love carbs" I said gobbling french fries.

We stopped at a fast food. The yellowish lights gave it a weird atmosphere. It looked like one of those sad and isolated cafe you see in American movies. Some dudes were eating burgers and drinking soda some tables apart from us, but Matty and I sat in the corner facing each other and it was quite calm and chill there.

Matty stared at me, eating his french fries. "I didn't expect you to take the large size. You're pretty skinny"

"It's genetics" I replied. "You're pretty skinny too"

"It's the drugs"

I looked at him, trying to figure him out. He returned the look. "Should I use the past tense" he added, smirking slightly.

"What's your relationship... with..." I started cautiously.

"Don't be afraid to ask, I'm very open on it" he said. "Honestly, my whole fear was becoming a beacon of sobriety, but I'm not that anyway. I still smoke weed, you know. But I'm not an addict. I don't use heroine anymore. I went to rehab, talked with horses, stuff like that. I'm getting better with it every day really"

"Talked with horses" I frowned. "Was it so easy?"

"I'm just taking it day by day" he shrugged.

"It's quite rare for someone to go and use heroine" I continued. "I... I don't know. It sounds like a myth of the 90s. I just can't picture you sticking a syringe in your arm"

He slightly smiled. He really seemed comfortable talking about it, but I felt uneasy.

"Once you asked me how does it feel to have it running through you veins" he said. "I know where these questions come from"

I stopped eating cause food couldn't conciliate with that strange feeling I suddenly had in my stomach. What did he mean?

"I had run out of options, by the way", he continued. "Sex, religion, soft drugs. I tried them all, but they never really... " he snapped his fingers, "turned it off"

"Turn off what?"

He twisted a curl around his finger, his eyes wandering through the ceiling. "I've always had this obsession about being sedated. Unfortunately, when I tried those drugs, they temporarily, for a moment, had that power over me. So I said: good, that's gonna help. But I crossed the line, and I was aware of it but I couldn't stop. You know the whole It's not living if it's not with you concept - distract my brain from the terribile news: get high and try and forget what's wrong in the world. It helped. But I don't want to be that person again. I have a perspective now"

I followed his eyes running through the ceiling. He was being honest and cool about it, but when he stopped talking, taking a quick sigh, searching for the words, inquiering in his memories, he looked vulnerable. I wondered if he really was okay as he said. His eyes finally stopped on me. Only then I recognized that feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had when Martina told me she couldn't stay, or when I watched her sleeping in the hospital bed. It's what you feel when you look into the weaknesses of someone you care about. Now I saw it. I wasn't just attracted by Matty, no. I cared about him. I wanted him to be alright, I wanted to protect him - I didn't know from what, I didn't know how.