I Think I Love You | Randy

track 23. songbird - fleetwood mac

"So..." he began.

"So," I echoed.

"I owe you an apology, Andy," he said, looking me deep in the eye.

"Yes, you do," I agreed. "I know I can be overbearing but... a lot of those things you said to me weren't fair, Rye."

"I know," he said. "And I'm really really ashamed of that. I fucking hate that I made you upset, but I've been-" he hesitated, gathering himself. "I've been really not okay. I should have talked to you about it but I just didn't feel like I could."

"Just tell me why," I begged. "The things you said hurt, Rye, but to be honest it hurt more to know that you were hurting and I couldn't do anything about it." He looked down, he couldn't stand to look me in the eyes any longer. "Hey," I said, taking his hand. "Just tell me." He started playing with my fingers and I let him take his time to say what he needed to say.

"I've been questioning my sexuality," he admitted.

"Since when?"

He met my eyes again. "Since the summer."

My heartbeat increased at his words. That perfect summer, where it had been just the two of us. We had reconnected and gotten closer than we'd ever been, with no friends or boyfriends to distract us. If I thought about it, it was probably during that time that I'd begun falling for him again, even if I hadn't realised it until the physical attraction snuck back in later.

"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" I asked quietly. "You know I would understand."

He shrugged. "I guess when you realise you're not the person you always thought you were, it's the people who know you best that it's the hardest to admit that to. Especially you."

"Why especially me?"

He linked our fingers together, looking at me pleadingly as if begging me not to make him say it. "You know why."

I nodded, the way he was looking at me enough to confirm what I'd been thinking. It was a lot to take in all the same. "Okay."

"Does it make you feel weird?"

"No."

"How does it make you feel then?"

So many things. How could I even put it into words? How could I explain the realisation that the person I'd wanted my whole life, someone who I trained myself not to love in that way because of how unattainable he was, now wanted me back? It was impossible to explain, so I opted for a change of subject instead. "You know how I realised I was gay, right?"

"How?"

"I had a crush on you."

He chuckled. "I actually did know that."

"What?" That was another shock, the fact that my best kept secret had apparently been obvious to him all along. "How?"

"Babe," he arched a brow at me, "you were acting so weird. When you came out it just kinda all made sense."

"Okay," I allowed, flushing red at the thought. "Why didn't you confront me about it then?"

"What would've been the point?" he shrugged. "It wasn't like I could do anything to fix it and, I guess I kinda liked the attention as well."

"Of course you did," I groaned.

"Sorry," he chuckled, "fifteen year old me was a narcissist. And to be fair, I'd only just discovered girls, I don't think I was even ready to consider guys as an option too. The way we looked at sexuality then, it was all black and white. You were gay, I was straight."