I Think I Love You | Randy

track 18. lonely boy - andrew gold

And he hoped to find all the love he had lost in that earlier time.

***

I didn't get a wink of sleep. It didn't matter about the weed burning its way out of my system, or how late it was. My mind was racing at a million miles a second.

Despite how upset I was, a part of me had that weird bubbly feeling that came along with kissing someone I'd so desperately wanted to kiss for years. But the butterflies were making me sick, twisting up with something much worse inside me, much darker. It was disgust and confusion and hurt and a crippling worry for Rye, who's wellbeing managed to remain at the forefront of my mind no matter how savagely he'd managed to rip my heart out of my chest. I didn't know how to process any of it, still having no clue if Rye's actions had anything to do with feelings for me, or if it was all just a byproduct of whatever pain had sent him spiralling. He'd said he wasn't gay and despite all the evidence to the contrary, I was inclined to believe him, nothing up until today having ever given me a enough of a reason to suspect otherwise.

It was the loneliness that cut me the deepest, a dull but deep pain that twisted within me, preventing me from falling asleep. Rye had always been my protector, the one person whose unconditional love I could count on through every season of my life. Having him hate me now, especially for reasons I couldn't fathom, was devastating.

As tempting as the idea of staying in my bed forever was, when morning came I had little choice but to drag my zombie ass out of bed and down to the theatre department. I was late enough to garner a reprimand from the director, but at least I was spared from the effort of having to socialise with anyone, rushing into costume and straight into the rehearsal. Thankfully due to it being a technical rehearsal, I didn't have to do much more than go through the motions, moving across the stage from mark to mark, playing the titular character meaning I was onstage more often than not. In the rare breaks I did have, the only person I could tolerate being near was Brook because he didn't ask any questions. He simply sat with me in solidarity under the mutual agreement that we would be each other's shields. He protected me from Olivia's well meant attempts at a third degree, and Jack could only glare from a distance, not daring to approach Brook while I was with him. It was a tenuous arrangement but one that seemed to work for the both of us, for the time being at least while every bit of my energy that wasn't being sapped up by the show was channelled into my worry for Rye.

That was only day one, and it didn't get any easier from there, because Rye didn't come home, therefore giving me zero chance for a resolution. I strongly suspected he was crashing with Sonny, doing whatever the hell it was they did together, and that thought offered me little peace. I only managed to shut them out while I was acting onstage, slipping into Evan's brain giving me a way of compartmentalising it all. But as soon as I was back in my own clothes, I had no choice but to be Andy again, and at the moment being Andy was not a lot of fun.

I just wished I could flick the reset switch on this entire year, knowing that no matter how wonderful it was to be playing my dream role in a university production, I would give it all up if it meant Rye and I could go back to being the way we were over summer. But something told me that was a version of us we'd never get back.

By the third night it was all too much, and I gave into my urge to blow his phone up, spending most of the night crying and pleading with his voicemail. After the first few attempts my calls started getting directed there without even ringing first, yet I still persisted, convinced that if I tried even one more time the message might get through to him; for whatever I had done, I was sorry, and I just wanted him back.

The following day was to be our final dress rehearsal, and also apparently the day that Olivia decided she would tolerate my silence no more.

"Andy, love," her voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I'd been too busy staring into space to find Brook yet as I'd diligently done every other morning.