I Think I Love You | Randy

track 22. the things we do for love - 10cc

Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go, and you're feelin' like a part of you is dying. And you're looking for the answer in their eyes.

***

"I learned to slam on the brakes

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me."

Singing for a live audience was pure adrenaline. It was easily one of my favourite feelings in the world, everything else disappearing as I became someone else, creating a new world even as the real one fell apart around me.

"Give them no reason to stare

No slipping up if you slip away

So I got nothing to share

No, I got nothing to say."

Disappearing into the music was a relief, because even with Olivia's pep talk, I had been close to a panic attack before I stepped onstage. It had nothing to do with stage-fright and everything to do with him not being in the audience. It was a horrible symbol of what had become of us; realising the one person who always showed up for me had simply stopped showing up. Although I couldn't see him when I scanned the crowd, some part of me still wanted to believe he was out there, and it was that feeble hope that gave me the courage to step out onstage at all. I would sing for him even if he wasn't there to listen.

"On the outside always looking in

Will I ever be more than I've always been?

'Cos I'm tap tap tapping on the glass

I'm waving through a window

I try to speak but nobody can hear

So I wait around for an answer to appear

As I'm watch watch watching people pass

I'm waving through a window, oh I-

Can anybody see?

Is anybody waving back at me?"

A deafening round of applause rung out as my solo came to an end, undoubtedly the best I'd ever performed it. In my periphery I caught sight of Olivia's proud smile, wiping a tear from her eye before snapping back to action again. Then it was on with the show, because the saying was right; it did always go on.

It was some kind of theatre miracle that everything went well, despite the horrific night it had been, Jack, Brooklyn and Olivia all delivering stellar performances of their own. I was particularly moved during Olivia's solo in Requiem where her character sang to her troubled brother who had passed, it only hitting me in the moment just how much the lyrics must have resonated with her all along.

Huge smiles graced everybody's faces when we took our final bows, as my eyes scanned the darkened audience for a face I wouldn't be able to see even if he was watching. But in the darkness, at least I was able to pretend.

"Oh, well done, Andy!" Olivia gushed as the curtain fell, her arms encircling me. "They loved you."

"You were great too," I said, hugging her back tightly.

"Now get some good rest tonight so you can do it all again tomorrow."

I left the theatre with a mixture of happiness and heaviness in my heart, the retreating crowd getting into cars and walking away in groups reminding me that my escape was over for now. Just as I was about to join them to make the long walk home to my empty apartment, something caught my attention.