Coming Home

Realizing

We had arrived safely and I moved in at Cosimas flat. We visited her parents, who were really nice, but there was something strange about it. She suddenly refused to mention why she had come back, though we had told her parents about the twin thing before. But I didn't dare to ask her about that - if she wanted to tell me, she would.

So while Cosima went back to her studies she had done before coming to England, I spent the time at our flat... bored. Ben had made me apply for several universities, but they hadn't replied yet and I had difficulties to find a job. At first I drove around a bit, experiencing the city, but I had been there before, and as cool as San Francisco truly was, shopping wasn't it's main quality and for going to the beach it was definately too cold.

So I was eagerliy awaiting every evening Cosima came home and we did something together. That were the best times. We went to pubs and I met her friends, we had a lot of fun.

One evening, after about two and a half months, we came home around two am after a party. We both had had quite a lot to drink and the cab driver had been nearly going mad, because of us laughing the whole time. Closing the door behind us, Cosima turned to me and smiled. Then she kissed me. But it wasn't our usual, shyly soft kiss. It was long and passionate. I let her do it, though something in me started to refuse. She slowly took my coat of. I still didn't react. Then started playing with my shirt. That was when I took her hand and stopped her.

'Cosima I...'

She pulled back, looking me in the eyes.

'You don't have to be afraid.'

'I'm not, it's just...'

I let go and headed to the sofa. Sighing she sat down beside me.

'Do you love me, Kira?'

That question shocked me a bit and I was struggeling for words.

'I...'

I looked up, her eyes seemed sad.

'Of course I love you, you're my best friend (and the only one by the way, hello) just... not in that way, you know.'

Tears filled my eyes and I had to look down.

'I really tried to feel that way, but I just can't. It just doesn't work...'
Great, now I'm crying again. And what the fuck am I saying, I'm way too drunk for that kind of conversation...

Cosima took my hand.

'You can't force feelings, Kira. I know you are open to it and that's the most important thing, but you can't make yourself gay, that just doesn't work. If you don't feel that way, it's not your fault.'

I laid my head on her shoulder and could nearly feel her disappointment and embarressement of the situation physically.

'I really wanted to...'

'Shhh it's okay. It's okay.'

There we were, arm in arm, quietly crying and at the same time comforting each other.

After a while she got up, restlessly walking around the room. Then she took a deep breath and spoke fastly.

'Listen I have to leave for a couple of days to meet that woman I told you about, that one with the information about that twin thing.'

I looked up. Her voice sounded definately more worried than she intended it to be.

'The thing is you can't join me. This develops to a very dangerous thing and... I don't want you to get involved in that. Really, you have to believe me. This is just not fun anymore.'

The last sentence she said more to herself than to me and sounded totally serious. I felt a shiver going down my back. Something told me that she could be right.

'You know I'm the last person to judge anyone who keeps their secrets secret.'

That was true. Since my parents died, Ben was the only person I had really opened up to. Oh Ben. I missed him so much.

With Cosima it had been different, we just understood each other without words. But this time I didn't. I didn't know what she was doing, I just knew that something important happened in her life. And I wasn't part of it. I suddenly felt that I didn't belong there somehow. Her life was going on without me and mine just seemed to stand still. Once again, I felt like being excluded. But I fought these thoughts quickly, putting on a mischievous grin.

'I'll do great a few days without you. You know, house party and stuff.'

She smiled back, making me shiver again. I knew that kind of smile. How often had it been on my lips when the boy I loved in school had done anything cute. How it had made me hope that he'll ever feel the same. And how that nearly destroyed me.

I quickly turned and went to the bathroom. Somewhere deep inside me I had already began to understand what I would have to do, altough I didn't want to believe it.

The days before her departure Cosima was even more busy than usual. She stayed at university hours after her classes had finished and went to bed early.

Altough she acted perfectly normal, I knew that she was hurt. That being with me was both saving and killing her at the same time. I had gone through this before and the thought that she had to suffer that much just because of me was too hard to bear. I loved her and I wanted her to be happy. No matter how hard that would be for me.

The last afternoon we had agreed to do something together. I picked her up at college and we drove out of the city into the wilderness until we found a little parking lot in a forest. Taking the sandwiches I had bought before, we wandered around aimlessly, talking and jumping over fallen branches like little kids. I didn't know how long it has taken us until we found a little beach, far away from any civilisation. It was beautiful with white sand and sorrounded by different coloured rocks. The wind was cold from the sea, but the sun peeped trough the clouds now and then, so we decided to have our picnic there.

Covered up in blankets we told each other funny stories and laughed heartily together. This moment was so simple and perfect, that I knew both of us would never forget it. I watched her talking, with that mischievous spark in her eyes that I loved so much. She looked happy and I wanted to keep that memory, just exactly as it was right there.

I brought her to the airport the next day. The clouds had vanished and a beautiful sunrise rose behind the terminal building. Cosima just had a little bag as a hand luggage for she didn't need many clothes for the few days. As I stopped the car behind a line of cabs, a kind of heavy silence filled the air. She looked at me with her deep dark eyes, her hair bound up to a messy queue. She looked stunning. Just like on that day in the parc, so long ago.

I saw a blink of sadness filling her eyes and once again I couldn't fight the feeling that she read my mind like an open book. But then she just hugged me short, but tight, jumped out of the car and smiled.

'Bye Kira'

I also responded with a smile, trying to keep any sadness out of it.

'Bye Cosima.'

So she turned and walked away and later I often asked myself why she didn't say 'See ya' like she normally did. I never again met a person that had such a precise feeling for other people like her.