the anatomy of love [BxB] COMPLETED

4

They sit on the sidewalk, side by side, facing the empty tracks that trace a path around Eugene, racing out of sight in opposite directions. Halfway into the bottle of vodka and Jackson's mood turns thoughtful. He nudges Theo with his shoulder.

"Do you believe in love?" They are both drunk enough to get away with this question. Theo ponders the question, looking like a true European philosopher, his chin between his fingers.

"Not everyone falls in love. Each person is different."

"I don't think I'll ever be in love," Jackson says. He didn't know how strongly he believes that until he said it out loud. Theo drinks the remaining vodka and then faces Jackson.

"I am exactly the opposite," Theo says, bringing up a hand to trace the outline of Jackson's bicep, "I fall in love with everyone."

If it were anyone else, Jackson would have found that to be an annoying exaggeration. But Theo makes it sound like poetry, solemn and delicate. Beautiful, even. It reminds him of the song by Chet Baker.

"I fall in love too easily," Jackson sings softly.

Theo moves dizzyingly fast and suddenly his lips are on Jackson's. It's soft and brief, the fluttering wings of a butterfly. Just as he pulls away, Theo leans to the side and vomits.

☆★☆

They take thirty minutes to get back to Jackson's apartment, Theo occasionally stopping to hurl in some bushes along the way. It's nearing one in the morning, and Lauren and Caleb might be asleep.

When they come inside, Caleb is on the couch, watching Jimmy Kimmel Live. He turns when the door opens, and grimaces when he sees Theo draped over Jackson's shoulder.

Jackson ignores him and drags Theo to his room. By the time he gets him on the bed, Theo's passed out. Jackson's mildly surprised at how much of a lightweight Theo turned out to be. The exterior gives a false sense of toughness.

When he manages to pull the covers over Theo's legs, Jackson walks back out to the living room. Caleb keeps his eyes trained on the TV.

"Just say it," Jackson says wearily.

Caleb stays silent.

"Nothing happened."

At that Caleb turns with a roll of his eyes. "He's a teammate, Jackson."

"Nothing happened. I promise."

"He's a teammate. I thought you would be more careful."

Jackson takes a deep breath. It's irrational to get angry over this. After all, doesn't Caleb have a right to be suspicious? How many guys have walked out in the morning, barely dressed? How many nights has Jackson slept somewhere else and had to Uber home in the morning, completely hungover? How many people has Jackson used and discarded these past three years?

Some of their faces float in his mind. Most stay a blur, a fuzzy, drunk memory at best. Jackson feels that familiar fear creeping up inside him at the thought of drowning in that sea of forgotten faces.

"I'm going to bed," Caleb says. He turns the TV off and walks away, leaving Jackson with one last pitying glance before shutting the door to his room. Jackson guesses that he feels bad about getting angry and offered the couch as a sign of peace.

Jackson takes it willingly, ignoring the pestering reminder that this is his second night in a row falling asleep on the couch. He looks at his phone instead.

Three missed calls from his mom. Shit. You always say that, but then you get busy.

He'll have to call her back tomorrow. It's Sunday, so he knows she'll answer on the first ring. She'll complain a little about the missed calls, but he'll make an excuse and she'll forgive him. Then they'll move on and talk about Jackson's career plans and the paid internship he's starting in a few weeks.

Jackson doesn't understand how his mother's love flows out of her like an eternal well. After the divorce, there's been a permanent sadness etched into her smile, but his mother never stopped showering Jackson and his sister with love.

Someday Jackson will make it up to her, all the endless sacrifices and suffering she's endured. He worries, though, that even after a lifetime of giving back, it still won't be enough. After all, how can you repay a mother's love when they love you no matter what?

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a/n: sorry I'm editing the chapter lengths

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