CAPIREZ - FanFiction

Chapter Thirty Four? I think?

Sara

We had got to our hotel around thirty minutes after we had left the airport and the smell of the messy street corner food and the busy night lights fueled me in a way I haven't been fueled in months. It gave me a rush. A sense of freedom. 

"Well," Ramona said, plopping down on the bed. "Do you want to do anything... fun?" She looks up at me from under her lashes, biting her lip.

She is very apparently flirting and sleep was not the idea she had in mind. I love sex, don't get me wrong, but sometimes sleeping with Ramona felt like a chore and not something passionate or loving. Just two bodies. I did not like that.

"Ramona, I would love to," I say hesitantly, "but I have to go do something really quickly."

"..Oh. Well. That's okay. I'll just go with you!"

"No, no! That's okay. You stay in here and I'll be right back." 

"Sara," she stops me, grabbing my sleeve as I am leaving. "You haven't kissed me in a few days and it's been two weeks since we've been intimate. Is there something wrong?"

I smile at her sadly. "Nothing is wrong. I will be back." I was lying through my teeth, so many things were wrong.

I grab my purse and phone and head out, going down the elevator. I needed to walk. I needed to clear my mind. I needed to figure out what was going on in my mind, why I couldn't connect this woman who was seemingly perfect.

I leave the glass doors and inhale sharply as I am met with the New York Time Square lights. Nothing could beat this.

I sit on a bench a few blocks down and I drop my head in my hands. Why wasn't this working with Ramona? Why aren't I happy?

I open my phone and for some reason, I feel the urge to go through my photo album. I hadn't gone through my Photos in months, but I felt drawn to them light  moth to a flame.

The second I scroll up, my eyes fill with tears. 

Jessica asleep in the bed in my trailer.

Jessica and my kitten Lancelot cuddling on the couch.

Jessica wearing my clothes that were quite too big on her.

Jessica eating a pretzel in Disneyland.

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

We were only together for a few weeks but those memories come back to me, washing over me like cold water. Cold water is shocking and if you stand under it too long, you won't be able to breathe. But cold water is refreshing. It makes you feel clean and renewed and fresh. On a hot summer day, cold water will elate you. Cold water will also sting when on for too long. And that's how I felt. I felt shocked that I had all of these emotions pent up in my heart, I felt like I wasn't going to be able to breathe I started to cry so hard. Yet I also felt clean, healthy, refreshed. Seeing those pictures. Seeing her smile. It made me feel alive.

I turn my phone off, dropping it in my lap. I look up at the New York City buildings as I brush the tears I had shed away, and I closed my eyes as I inhaled and realized what was happening. 
I was in love with Jessica Capshaw.
I was in love with her and the reason things weren't working out with Ramona were because these past few months, I've been bettering myself and becoming happier and healthier for... her. For Jess. I didn't care for Ramona because I couldn't. I had so much love for Jessica in my heart, there was no room left for anyone else.

I immediately call Ellen Pompeo, standing up from my bench and knowing exactly what I needed to do. I began to jog to my hotel, mentally begging for her to pick up the phone.

"Sara?"

"Ellen, I need your help!"

"Wow, it's good to hear from you, too. Not like it's been months and you just left the show without saying goodb -"

"Ellen, when is Jessica filming tomorrow? I'm going to show up, I need to talk to her."

"What do you mean, Sara? Jess is in New York right now, she isn't filming tomorrow."

I stop dead in my tracks, New York traffic and crazy Time Square lights shouting around me. Everything slows down. "Wait, what? She's in New York?"

"Yes, she is in New York. She's staying at the Windsor hotel. We're filming in the city. Why? What's going on?"

I silently hang up the phone, my heart beating a mile a minute as I look across the street and see the Windsor hotel sitting there. Just a street away.