Upside Down [mxm] [editing]

Chapter 14

This was the second time that Alexander had just given away his dream. 

Okay, so that was a little dramatic.  For all that Alex really had wanted to spend the rest of his life with Julian (both then and in the now) he had never wanted the four-story brownstone, two children and a full time nanny.  Alex had always seen him and Julian winding up in a more contemporary sort of lifestyle.  A loft, just like Alex had, successful careers, just like Alex had, the two of them enjoying only each other without the need of all those other trappings.   Basically the life that Alex had currently with a little bit of Julian on the side. 

But this night?  Oh that had been a long held dream, one he'd spent years of sleepless nights and decades of daydreaming like some pubescent teenage girl would about her wedding.  This was supposed to have been Alex's big moment to give to Julian.  The moment where he would have proposed their lifelong commitment to one another. An all too extravagant way to show how much he cared. 

In that light it was almost fitting that Alex had packed it up neatly, tied it with a little bow, and handed off to Dick as though it hardly mattered at all. Wasn't that exactly what he'd done with Julian all those years ago?

And why was he even there?   Moving to pinch the bridge of his nose, harshly as though added pain to his present punishment, Alex leaned heavily against the bar which had been put in place.  It was open, of course, Dick had spared no expense.  Which was an exacting reason for why Alex was standing in that spot, he was going to get drunk, more accurately shit-faced, do his best not to make an ass of himself and escape. 

So why was he there?  At Julian's birthday party extravaganza ? Alexander would like to say he had no idea, but he knew all too well.  He would like to have said he'd come only because Dick demanded it and he didn't want to let a donor down.  But that wasn't the case.  No money was that important. Dick had demanded it, but Alex was already pretty close to telling him to take a hike; donor or no.  In truth Alex was there to see how the whole thing turned out, he was there for a first row seat to the pure and complete pleasure and joy which would be written across Julian's damnably handsome face.

"Fuck me."  Alex muttered, tapping the rim of his now empty glass in order to let the bartender know that he needed a refill.  A large one.  Maybe three.

The whole thing had turned out gorgeous.  Beyond, even. It was breathtaking.  But Alex knew it would be.  He had been the one to plan it after all.  The MoMA had been a sort of touchstone for the two of them since the very beginning, and it was already a special enough establishment that it didn't take much to make it more so.  Julian and he'd had their first date there, and many ones later.  It was where they would go when they needed to be together, removed from the insanity of the world and dropped right in the middle of the beauty of it. 

Everywhere he glanced in the permanent installations, Alex could bring forth a memory.  The light brush of Julian's fingers across his wrist as they turned a corner; the closest they'd ever gotten to holding hands in public.  The awe in Julian's eyes as he discovered a new piece.  The comfortable relaxation he had of finding an old favorite. 

Alex had always wanted to be able to throw an over the top bash for Julian there, inviting their family and friends.  But they'd been young and almost broke (while Alex's family fought for every penny, Julian's had never wanted for anything). Doing anything like this had just been a dream.  A far fetched one.

Of course, Alex had also never envisioned giving this moment away to someone else. 

That moment.  The one where Julian was whisked in by Dick into the crowded room where everyone cheered and applauded.  Alex remained stationed at the bar, whiskey glass held far too firmly in his hand, as he watched Julian's face light up, happiness exuding from him as emotion welled in his eyes. 

It was a black tie affair, everyone dressed to the nines - once more Alex had bought something new to wear. A band-aid for that jagged wound of rejection.  Alex may have asked Julian to leave, but for the second time in their lives, Julian had done as he'd been told.  Nothing hurt more than not being worth coming back for. 

Julian, as always, cut a sharp figure.   His tux wasn't new, there was no way, not with how it conformed to his frame. That was something well loved and worn in, a piece of fabric which had become a part of him throughout the years. 

This had been a mistake.  From sharing the idea with Dick to accepting the invitation to attend, this had all been the worst idea of Alex's life.  Watching Julian as Dick guided him around the room from one well-wishing guest to another, Alex knew he had to leave.  He couldn't let Julian see him there, it wouldn't be fair.  It would ruin the moment and the party.  He couldn't let Julian see him there, because seeing Julian would only manage to break his heart.

A getaway plan is only as good as its driver, though, and Alex wasn't fast enough on the gas.  He was finishing up the smooth brown liquor in his glass when he felt that pull that was all too familiar.  The sensation was the same as it had been the first night they met, an electric sort of surge, something instinctual and intense that took up every ounce of his brain's processing power.  Alex knew in that instant that Julian had spotted him, and that he was powerless to do anything beside turn and face him. 

There was still a wing of the museum between them, and Dick still had his arm wrapped firmly around Julian's waist, but that hardly mattered.   Alex's skin went scalding while his insides turned to ice.  Shit, this was not what he had in mind at all. 

Julian's face was a mixture of pain and hope, and the hope was what Alex feared the most.  Why had he decided to come again?  This was selfish and stupid and yet again he'd managed to screw everything up in one unthinking instant. 

"Sorry."  Alex mouthed across the space, breath hitching as Julian's lower lip trembled in a small and almost unnoticed way.  Just a second ago he'd been beaming.  Now Julian looked as though his heart was about to break. 

Having no idea what to do, but knowing that something had to be done, mostly along the lines of his leaving, Alex held up his right wrist and tapped at his watch. A universal symbol for being late. Too bad Alex wasn't late for the party or some kind of meeting.  More like he was late at the realization of what mattered in life. 

"Happy Birthday."  Alex's silent words were exaggerated to carry over so long a space.  However they were rejected, Julian shaking his head as he began to break away from the circle of people who stood talking all around him.

Alex, though, just shook his head back.  He knew all too well that this confrontation was not one that could be allowed to happen.  He needed to leave, five minutes ago, and dipping through the crowd and a side door marked boldly with the words Fire Exit, Alex attempted to escape.