Starstruck (the Idea of Always)

Zaterdag 12:19

He was quiet for a second.

"Jens, I know, I'm sorry."

"What's happened now? Do you need money?"

Silence.

"Jesus. You really are a piece of shit aren't you?"

"Don't you dare talk to your father like that." His voice raised as well.

"My father? Are you a father, is that what you call yourself?" Jens started pacing, from his door to his desk, around his bed, grabbing a pillow and swinging it around, just for something to do with his hands. "Do you tell people you're a father?"

"Jens—"

"You're not a father." Jens stilled. "Even when you were pretending to be one you were a shitty father. You made me feel awful. You still make me feel awful."

"How did I do that?" His tone sounded like he really had no idea.

"You called me names, made fun of me for everything." Jens's voice cracked. "You wouldn't let me have anything, you wanted me to be a fucking man when I was a child. I liked one thing, and that meant I was a fucking faggot, I liked another and it meant I was..." Jens trailed off, catching his breath, trying not to cry.

"I never meant any of those things." He laughed lightly like he was trying to calm Jens down. It didn't work.

"I don't care. The words still came out of your mouth." Jens took a deep breath. "And the worst part is that I still hear your voice. I still hear you calling me those things, even though I haven't seen you in years. Even though you haven't called me those things in years. You said those things to a child, to your child."

"I know, Jens. I just want to make things right."

"No."

He didn't get to do that. He walked out. He didn't get to walk back in like he didn't slam the door shut behind himself.

"We're doing okay now. Lotte is in school, and she's fucking brilliant. Top of her class. We have enough money to pay rent and get food, and birthday gifts. Mom is happy. I'm happy." He couldn't stop. "I have a boyfriend, and everything is fine."

His father was quiet for a second. "A boyfriend?" He laughed lightly. "So I was right."

Jens scoffed. "Go fuck yourself."

"Jens—"

"Yeah. A boyfriend. And he's great. He came over for dinner last night, and Mama loves him, and Lotte fucking adores him, and I think that if you weren't such an asshole, you'd love him." Jens caught his breath.

"And maybe if you weren't such an asshole, you would love me too."

Before he could respond, Jens hung up.

His hands were shaking as he tossed the phone onto his bed before sitting on the edge of it, pressing his hands to his face and taking a deep breath. He felt as though he'd just confronted his worst fears.