Not Strong Enough

Advanced Combat

The whistle rings in the distance, but I still have trouble reigning in my wolf. The coach comes over and has to physically snap me up from the boy lying there, grinning.

"You are the best fighter in your Pack? You? Seriously? This is what werewolves have been reduced to?" The Coach doesn't mean it as an insult but I see genuine disgust in his face, clearly annoyed at my apparent defeat at the hands of a ten year old. As am I. Shame floods me as I stare at the mats, letting his words sink in. I let my defences down, I had not expected to lose so soon and so easily.

"You have signed up for the advanced combat class, and I took you in believing you were Alpha and expecting a certain standard. But seeing that a kid half your age and size could knock you flat on your back twice in a row, I don't see you being able to do much here."

"But I wasn't prepared' I thought-" I try to ague, only to be cut off.

"And you have the guts to make excuses!" The coach thunders, his angry eyes zeroing in on me. "With combat skills like that, you can't even keep standing and hold your ground to protect yourself, let alone your pack. Weak and pathetic. That's what you are. I always thought females couldn't be Alphas but you are giving me new revelations by taking it to a whole new level. No skill in combat and the guts to sign up for the Advanced Class! Trust me girl, it's a miracle if you can even manage to not flunk Basic Combat. This class is obviously not your speed. Do yourself a favour and resign from the post of Alpha. You are not doing anybody any favours by staying. Joe, you're up next!"

And so Coach moves on, leaving me standing there. Dylan walks up to me and murmurs, "well – fought" with a sly grin. Clearly enjoying the speech and my ensuing disgrace.

I go back to stand in my place and feel people on both sides step away from me inconspicuously, clearly wanting nothing to do with me. My eyes involuntarily veer towards Gabriel; my wolf always wanting to latch onto him for comfort. But as soon as I catch his eyes, he looks away, his jaw clenched and his lips perused. That was the last nail in the coffin of my dignity.

The class passes by in a blur. I'm too damn trapped within myself to focus on the surroundings. As soon as the bell rings, I rush out of the school towards the surrounding woods. I'm done for the day, and desperately need a run.

I shift into my wolf and let the voices of the birds and the wind currents guide me. My head is a jumble of emotions, rage and pain and a wounded ego. I made a huge fool of myself today and let down myself and the name of my pack. How does t reflect on me and on them? That their Alpha was beaten by someone half her size and age? Maybe I am a mistake. Maybe I'm not meant to be Alpha at all. I'm clearly not strong enough.

Up ahead I see a clearing and move towards it unconsciously, and the bushes and the undergrowth parts to reveal a cliff with a beautiful waterfall. My breath catches, awestruck by the beautiful view before me. I see the mountains stretched out over the horizon, covered in green and the waterfall falling and making a lake flowing off into the distance among the trees. I shift and move closer to the fall, close enough to feel tiny occasional droplets fall on my face. I take in a deep breath, and it instantly calms me down a bit. My emotions are still in turmoil, my pride wounded and my ego hurt but somehow, being here comforts me. The sounds, the sight and the scent ease my pain, as if understanding and accepting me for who I am. I sit down by the trunk of a tree and let my tears run, letting out my anger and frustration.

I am lost. I don't know what to do. I have nobody to guide me, nobody to tell me its okay. Even the abilities I do have, I obviously don't know how to manoeuvre. I have increased strength and agility with no idea how to use them. How does that make me better than Dan? As much as I have tried to be better and do better, I have only ended up failing miserably and managed to make a laughing stock of myself in the process. I don't deserve to be Alpha. I am a failure. I'm not strong enough.