Upside Down [mxm] [editing]

Chapter 3

"Hey."   Alex really needed to get a better opening line one of these days. 

"I went ahead and got yours."   Julian pushed the to-go cup across the small table as Alex slid down into a seat.

"Double..."

"Yes."  Julian nodded, interrupting Alex with a hint of condescending irritation.   "Double strong, double sweet."

"After all these years ..." Alex began as he reached out for the cup, only to be interrupted again.

"Can. Can we please just stop saying that?"  Julian's gaze sought Alex's earnestly. "If I have to think to myself about the time since, or how things were then, or where I am now one more time I think I'm going to lose it."   Sighing Julian took a drink from the cup in his hands, fingers drumming at the cardboard wrapper as he did.  "Can we just talk about now?   This year, right now, this moment."

"Yeah."  Alex nodded.  "Yeah, okay." 

"Is this ... is this okay?"  Julian looked so uncertain it was bordering on adorable.  "Being out in public like this?"

"Only if you don't try and jump me from across the table."  Alex's mouth twisted into a shit-eating grin. 

"Look don't be an ass."  There went the uncertainty. 

"I'm not the married man having coffee with my ex."

"Can we not bring that up either?"  There it was, back again.

"Yeah.  Fine.  I guess."  Alex knew they'd have to talk about it eventually.  But if Julian didn't want to talk about it now it could wait.  "Want to talk about being a dad instead?"  From the look on the other man's face that wasn't the right thing to say either, even if it had only been in jest.  "No. Alright."

"I can't stop thinking about you."   Julian didn't blurt it out, not really, but it did seem as though it had gotten to a point where he couldn't hold it back anymore. 

"I mean it makes sense."  Alex shrugged.  He wasn't trying to be flippant, but he really didn't know what to say. 

"No, it's more than that Alex."  Julian took in a deep breath. "I've always thought about you on and off but not like this.   Ever since the other week.  I keep telling myself everything's okay and that it'll fade but then I wake up in the morning and reach for you and get Dick instead."

It was very, very difficult in the moment for Alex not to laugh. 

"Are you seeing anyone? Tell me you're seeing someone.  Maybe that'll fix this whole mess in my brain."

Alex shook his head.  "I have an arrangement with someone.  But no.  We're not exclusive. I didn't ever... well after you it didn't seem prudent to start a relationship with someone else.  I didn't need to go through that again."

Hurt confusion turned to anger in a flash. "Go through what?"

Alex wasn't about to back down though. "Someone changing their mind."

"Me? Changing my mind?"  Julian pointed to himself incredulously.   "You were the one who refused to budge for me. It was your choice Alex, not mine."

"No."  Alex shook his head again. "I was upfront from the beginning.  When we met at that frat party, I told you that night."

"No. No way."  With a little too much force Julian set down his coffee mug so as to better point across the table to Alex.  "I saved you from the drunk girl and you shoved your tongue down my throat."

"You kissed me first." He retorted.

"Yeah but you kissed back."

"You'd been flirting with me for weeks."  It was Alex's turn to sound frustrated.  "I wanted you since I'd seen you.   You think I wasn't going to kiss you back?"  No response came from Julian, just a narrowing of his eyes. "I thought we weren't supposed to be talking about the past."  A narrowing which became a full out glare. "I told you sometime between gasping for air that I wouldn't admit to it tomorrow.  Or ever."  He paused, recounting just how forthright he had been. "Then I told you on our first date.  And when we were looking for an apartment.  You fell in love with who you wanted me to be, Julian, not who I'd always been and always would be."  

"No."  Apparently they were both stubborn. "I fell in love with you.  I just wanted you to be in love with me enough to make that sacrifice.  I wanted to mean more to you."  Both stubborn and in lots and lots of pain. Neither man had healed from the wounds left years ago.  "I miss you."  Julian said finally after a moment stretched long and silent between them.

"I do too,"  Alex replied, looking anywhere but at the man who so consumed his thoughts.  "I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"It's not enough." Julian pushed his mug forward, disgusted at either the situation, himself, or both.

"So what is?"  Alex asked hoping that Julian had some sort of answer.  "Where do we go from here?"

He did.  It just wasn't one either of them wanted.  "I have absolutely no fucking idea."