The Everyday Adventures of Sam and Megan (GirlxGirl)

Season 3: Episode 14

I took a final drag from my smoke and studied the small orange-colored flame at its tip. Another intrusive thought swarmed my mind and I squinted my eyes shut, but it was strong. Fight it, Sam, I demanded.

But as I placed the lit end of the cigarette on the tender skin of my arm, I couldn't help but think the burn was satisfying.

* * *

As I pulled up to Dr. Dupree's building, I hoped she didn't find it strange I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt regardless of the high temps. Then again, upper sixties for someone like me wasn't cold, but might be for native Floridians. I tried not to think into it too much as I exited my car.

When I entered, the secretary greeted me and let my therapist know I was here. It took her all but thirty seconds to call me back.

"Hi, Sam," she greeted from her lounger. "How are you today?"

"Ah, tired," I responded vaguely.

"Bad night's sleep?"

"Nightmares."

Last session she had attempted to dive into them, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to resurface possible trauma's I had buried deep inside, hoping to forget. Now, I still didn't feel ready, but maybe I never would. But one thing was for sure. I was getting desperate, so maybe it was time for me to jump again.

"Would you want to tell me about them today?" she asked.

"Some of them are pretty heavy," I responded.

"Then, how about the one you had most recently?"

Which would be the one from last night...

I took a deep breath and wished I could say I didn't remember it, but I did. I remembered most of them. Some because they tended to repeat, and some because they were so traumatizing and vivid. I swore I could still feel my hands bleeding from last night's nightmare.

"Ah, I was locked in a place that looked like my childhood room," I started. "Except it was all white. I was banging on my door because my mom had locked me inside..."

I paused and tried not to let the pain my heart overcome me. Instinctively, I pressed my finger into the fresh burn on my arm through my shirt, the pain distracting me just enough to push through the recounting.

"I was banging so hard my hands started to bleed," I confessed. "I kept yelling for her to let me out... And then I woke up."

"How do you know it was your mom that locked you in the room?" she wondered.

The question stumped me because when I thought back to the dream, there had been no evidence that it was her. It was just kind of... known.

"Ah, it's more of a feeling I guess," I answered.

She jotted down some notes before continuing the session. Then, she set her pad down and leaned back into her chair.

"This dream sounds very vivid and real, and I think it's because it's a memory," she explained.

"Maybe."

I could feel myself trying to avoid the conversation because I could feel the onset panic of possibly having to relive those memories again. But I couldn't panic. I couldn't run. I had to try today. I had to try for myself.

"My mom used to lock me in my room all the time... but one time, my mom locked me in my room for an entire day," I revealed. "It was after she'd caught me sneaking out the night before, which is a whole different story."

"Well, then why don't you tell me about that night first?"

"The one where I got locked out of my house for sneaking out?"