[Completed] [Rewritten]
"I feel like I'm an artist. My brushes are my blades and my canvas is my wrist."
First chapter sucks, but I think the rest of it is decent . . .
❗❗Trigger Warning❗❗
Mentions of self-harm, eating disorders, depression and suic...
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warnin: mentions of eating disorders and self-harm
Even though the practices, the schedules continued just like usual, Jin's life was spiralling out of control. He couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop being paranoid. He tried to wear baggy clothing so he could hide his body. His eating habits were getting weirder and scarier by the day.
Sometimes, he would have these moments where he would hate his body so much that he resolved that he would never eat again. He would work out, try his best to drink water instead of eating, but nothing would work. His weight wouldn't plummet like he hoped it would.
Then he would get so desperate to eat that he would eat everything. At that moment, he felt like he would die if he didn't eat. Jin would end the time gaining a few pounds, than he would get furious at himself. How dare he lose control like this? How dare he be so careless? Because he had no healthy coping mechanisms, he would take that anger out on himself in the only way he knew how - cutting himself.
Then he would tell himself, "Honey, promise me that you'll never do that again. Just eat less and then you'll never get unhappy again."
So he'd try again. And again. And keep setting himself up for failure while dreaming of success.
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The slightest thing would set him off.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm just faking everything. Everything that I'm upset over - wait what am I upset over? The fact that I'm useless? The fact that no matter how hard I try I continue to be useless? What is it that I don't like about myself?
Jin didn't even know.
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"What is going on with you?" Hoseok asked. He grabbed Jin's hand and pulled him down onto the couch.
Jin squirmed in his seat. He smiled, hoping that Hoseok would be fooled.
"Nothing, I'm fine," he said.
"Something's wrong, I know."
"No." Jin shook his head, smile still playing on his lips. He ignored the pervasive empty feeling knawing on his chest. He would push that down until it was out of sight.
"You can trust me," Hoseok begged. He didn't let go of Jin's hand. "Hyung."
Jin shook his head. He hoped Hoseok didn't slide his hand up onto his wrist and pull his sleeve up. He would get the fright of his life.
"Do you want to admit that you've got a problem or not?"
"I don't, though," Jin said. He shook his head again. Surely, he had no idea what Hoseok was talking about. Inside, there were alarm bells going off. Was he this obvious? Was he so attention-seeking that he was getting all the others worried?
Hoseok sighed. There was a sad smile on his face.
"Well... anytime you need help or anything, just come to us. I'm willing to help."
Sure. Jin watched Hoseok shake his head. It made him feel worse.
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He couldn't sleep. His dreams were filled with sick thoughts which he couldn't even contain anymore. Jin wished he had someone to talk to.
And he did. He had so many people around him who were willing to make him feel heard, but he couldn't trust them. He couldn't let them know what he was going through, or else he thought they would judge him. He had already displayed so much weakness, so much desperation, that it embarrassed him.
No, he had gotten himself into this mess and he was going to pull himself back out. Or sink further. Whichever was easier.
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It was always on Jimin's mind now. Do something.
So he did. He hung out around Jin as much as he could. Talked to him. Tried to get him to laugh. He made every excuse he could so Jin wouldn't stumble back to his room, alone, where Jimin knew he would cry. Jimin wasn't that stupid. He knew.
But Jin was tired. He could see it in his eyes. He could see in the fluctuations of his weight. He could see it in the strained smiles he would give when Jimin's jokes bordered on funny.
But Jimin also knew that the others had tried to get Jin to talk and nothing had worked. Jin was his stubborn, adamant self and not even Jimin would be able to crack that shell.
So, he kept trying, hoping that it would naturally fall apart and Jin would realize what was happening to him. It broke Jimin's heart to see.
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