College Writing Assignments

A Day in the City with Alex Final Draft

Before we start the story, here is the feedback I received from my professor for the rough draft of this story.

Ayanna, you've done a nice job of showing what's happening by using dialogue. The conversation between you and Alex is believable and fun. Here are my suggestions for your revision:

1. One objective in this assignment is to show an event where something significant changed for you. The story needs to be clearer about what that is and why. Here, the discussion of being best friends seems significant, but the reader doesn't have enough information about Alex or your relationship to understand why that is significant. So as you revise, try to make it clearer what's going on and why it is significant in your life. Try adding more backstory so we can understand the context of this event.

2. The story currently includes a number of details that turn out not to be relevant to the story (such as what you had for breakfast). When you have refined the story's focus by concentrating on the significant event, go back and take out everything that is not relevant to that focus. Note that this story clocks in at 14 pages but is supposed to be between 5 and 10, so you have room to do some cutting.                                    

Okay, let's start!

The Euphoria soundtrack blasted through my living room speakers as I prepared breakfast in the kitchen. My eyes widened with excitement when the song All for us by Labrinth came on my playlist. 

"Ohh, doing it all for love! Doing it all! Doing it all for love!" I grabbed a wooden spoon and sang as I danced in my oversized, blue pajamas.

The boisterous sound reverberated around the small apartment. I swayed my hips from side to side and closed my eyes, not bothering to open them until the song was over. The smell of something burning caught my attention.

"Shit!" I scurried over to the stove and flipped my pancake.

The butter in the pan sizzled. My phone vibrated in my pocket.

"Hello?" I answered it.

"Good morning queen!" Alex said.

"Good morning!" I continued to cook as I held my phone up to my ear with my shoulder.

"Are you free today?"

"Um...yeah. Wassup?"

"Wanna visit the National African American Museum in DC?"

"Oh my god yes! When and where are we meeting?"

"Let's meet at L'enfant plaza station around 11, is that okay?"

I glanced at the clock. It read 8:55.

"That's fine by me."

"Okay! Yayayaya! I'm so excited!"

"Me too!"

"See you soon."

I smiled and placed the phone down.

"Mom! Breakfast is ready!" I called out to her.

My mother scurried down the hall and into the dining room.

"Ou what do we have here?" She examined the pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast, and hash browns that filled the table before sitting.

I poured maple syrup onto my burnt, fluffy, blueberry pancakes. The appetizing aroma made me salivate.