To Be A Leader

Chapter 21: A Cautionary Tale

I sit on a chair in the library, idly flipping through a magazine.

'What do you think about these?' I sign with my free hand, and Phineas shrugs halfheartedly at the picture of the flowers.

"They're okay, I guess," He says. He has a book in his hand, but he has yet to open it. He has a hard time finding books he likes here, which is a shame since he says reading makes him almost feel as if he can hear.

"Looking at these, I can almost imagine what it's like to hear her."

Sam's words from a few days ago ring in my head, and I shudder. Things have been tense... since we found out about Moonchild, about her being real inside my head. Of course, we all know it's not the real Moonchild. She's dead. I saw her die. This Moonchild in my head is, in a weird way, a separate personality of Moonchild that I created, although this Moonchild personality can think on its own, can come up with new ideas in a way I never could because she isn't me.

There's someone in my head that isn't me.

I've been trying to push past it, to keep moving forward. She was real before I knew she was real. Me finding out didn't really change anything. She was always real, apparently, and so far things haven't changed. She's been quiet and I try to keep it at that, but everyone else seems to be walking on eggshells around me, telling me it's okay to be upset or scared or whatever.

And I am. I am scared. I've always been scared of the fact that I'm not normal. I am upset that there's another personality in my brain. But I can't dwell on this right now. As far as we know, we can't cure me and we don't know why I'm different, why I am this 'chosen one' Sigrid wants. So instead I'm focusing on other things, like the wedding.

That's what this magazine is about-wedding décor. In here I can get privacy and quiet and I can look up stuff to inspire how things look for the wedding. I haven't picked out a dress yet, since I have to have an operator that isn't Sam watch over me and I doubt that's going to happen for a few weeks now that we know Moonchild is real. I have been looking at decorations though. This magazine is a bit old, since it was made before the apocalypse, but I don't care about that. Fashion and style have long since gone out the window these days, so it's not like anyone would complain about how this style is 2013.

I like the silver tablecloths with blue flowers, and I have wanted to talk to Sam about us making those the main colors for the wedding, but I'm hesitant. It's not that I think he won't want the colors for the wedding, but instead I'm worried he won't want a wedding at all.

With recent revelations, I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to postpone the wedding or cancel it. Deep down I know Sam wouldn't do that, not really, but there's always that part of me that fears it. It's one of the reasons I've been avoiding talking about what happened three days ago. I know some things have changed. People-the people that were with me on that mission-see me differently now that they know she's real. Paula has tried to psychoanalyze me twice already and Jody has casually mentioned that maybe I should take a break from being Head of Runners, and maybe I should possibly take a break from running altogether, just for a little while.

I scoff and continue flipping through the pages. As if I'd ever do that.

"Five," Phineas says, grabbing my attention. He points to one of the boys grabbing candy from one of the tables the magazine is featuring. "I'm not going to dress like that for your wedding, am I?"

The boy is wearing a suit, and judging by his age, I'm guessing he was a ring bearer.

"No," I say, signing as I do so, "not unless you're actually in the wedding ceremony."

"Am I going to be?"

"Do you want to be?"

He doesn't answer. I'm actually surprised he didn't outright say no. Phineas has made it very clear that he does not see me as his parent. He's never directly said it, but seeing that he still calls me 'Five' or 'Callista' is more than enough evidence. He sees me more as a personal caretaker, so I wouldn't be surprised if he'd rather just attend and not be a part of the wedding itself.