Living a Lie [Jamilton]

Chapter 24

Trigger warning: implied suicide, vivid description of a panic attack

"Yeah, it's me, Alex. I haven't talked to you in a while and I wanted to see how you were doing."

"I-I'm fine."

"Are you okay? Did I wake you up or something? Sometimes I forget not everybody is awake at 3am."

"I'm fine. I was just startled by the phone ringing. It woke me up."

Alex could tell that something was wrong from Thomas' voice. It was shaking, the pitch randomly dropping and rising and he spoke. He didn't sound like he'd just woken up. He sounded wide awake... too awake, the way someone sounds when they'd consumed far too much caffeine to compensate for getting far too little sleep.

Thomas sounded like a wild animal being cornered by a predator: wild, desperate, and full of adrenaline.

Alex could hear Thomas' heavy breathing through the phone. He sounded like he was trying not to cry.

"Thomas, please tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong?"

"Thomas, please. I can tell by your voice that something's bothering you. You sound like you're about to cry."

"I'm not going to cry, Alex. I'm fine. My voice just sounds weird cuz I just woke up."

The more he tried to convince Alex that he was alright, the worse he sounded.

Alex was terrified. He felt sick to his stomach.

Sure, his feelings about Thomas were still a bit of a mess, but he still cared about him and wanted to make sure that he was okay.

The fact that he trying do desperately to hide whatever was wrong from Alex proved just how serious things probably were.

Maybe he just doesn't trust me anymore. Maybe that's why he's not telling me.

Alex took a deep breath.

"I'll be at your house in five minutes."

"Alex, you don't have to-"

"It's not a suggestion, Thomas. Turn your porch light on."

Thomas barely made it home in time.

He'd just finished locking the door when he heard Alex's car pull into the driveway.

Thomas took a deep breath, trying to compose himself before he had to face Alex.

His hands were shaking. He was breathing heavily, like he'd just finished running a marathon.

He was in shock. He couldn't truly register what was happening. He wasn't even sure how he'd managed to drive home without crashing.

This didn't feel real. None of this felt real. He felt like he was watching the world through a movie screen, seeing everything but feeling no real connection to any of it.

Thomas walked into the bathroom and splashed some cold water onto his face. The coldness of the water against his skin felt real, reminded him that the world was real and that he was a real part of it. It made him feel grounded. His brain still hadn't fully processed what had happened, but at least he didn't feel like he was floating anymore.

Alex knocked on the door.

Thomas walked back into the living room and opened it.

Alex looked exactly how Thomas felt.