Living a Lie [Jamilton]

Chapter 9

That morning, Thomas did one of the hardest things he'd ever done. 

He took out his phone and sent a text to Alexander Hamilton. 

Lafayette: Hey, Alex. I'm going away on a business trip for a week, so we won't be able to hang out. 

Alexander Hamilton: Aww. I'm going to miss you, babe. 

Lafayette: I'll miss you too, mon amour. I wish I didn't have to go on this stupid trip. I'd rather be with you. 

Alexander Hamilton: Do you have to go on that stupid trip? 

Lafayette: I lose my job if I don't. 

Alexander Hamilton: Working is stupid. 

Lafayette: I need to feed myself, Alexander. Food costs money. 

Alexander Hamilton: Capitalism is stupid. 

Lafayette: I know it is, my love. 

And that was that. 

Thomas Jefferson was free from Alex for the next week. 

He figured he would spend the next week getting over his feelings for him, and then shortly after he got back he would break up with him. 

Then he would finally stop living a double life as Lafayette and go back to being Thomas Jefferson. 

Boring, lonely, pathetic Thomas Jefferson. 

Thomas sat up and started penning a letter to Lafayette. 

My dearest Lafayette, 

I am going to make this right for you. 

I am going to set things straight. 

I have sinned, and I am going to atone for it. 

I am going to get over my feelings for Alex. 

And then I am going to break up with him. 

This folly has gone on long enough. I have had my fun, and now I am going to do what is right. 

That boy will be out of my life forever. 

I will move on and live without him. 

I will not betray you, my dearest. 

I will not hurt you. 

Two weeks from now, Alexander Hamilton will be out of my life. 

With newfound hope and age-old apologies, 

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas sat down on the couch, confused. 

What shall I do? 

He needed something to distract him from Alex. 

What did he enjoy doing? What did Thomas Jefferson, arguably the most boring person on the planet, do for fun? 

Giving up, Thomas settled on watching some TV. A nice, simple distraction, right? 

Wrong. 

Everything he watched reminded him of Alex. 

Whenever a character in a TV show said something witty, Thomas thought "that sounds like something Alex would say." 

Every black-haired male character looked just like Alex to him. 

He decided that maybe he should listen to some music instead. 

Nope. That didn't work either. 

Every song reminded him of Alex. 

Every single one of them. 

Thomas felt trapped. 

Everything made him think of Alex. 

He felt sick. 

He felt like some monster had taken control of his brain and was filling it with poision and filth. 

He wanted to vomit. 

Wanted to scream. 

Wanted to set himself on fire to put himself out of his misery. 

He needed to get away from this house. 

Deciding that he couldn't take it anymore, Thomas stood up and decided that he needed to drive away. 

He didn't know where, didn't know for how long. 

He just got into his car and drove. 

His worries faded away as the miles passed. 

He left all of his fear and pain and guilt aside. 

The pain of losing Lafayette. 

The guilt of loving Alex. 

The regret of letting James Madison get away. 

With every mile, the roaring in his head got quieter. 

He opened the windows of his car and felt the cool night air on his face. 

He took deep breaths, the cold air stinging his lungs and throat. 

He pulled over, parked the car, and lay down in the cool grass on the side of the road. 

He closed his eyes, feeling the wind on his face and the grass on his skin. 

For a moment, it felt like freedom. 

It felt like peace. 

For a moment, he was no longer a confused man impersonating his dead friend for the sake of sparing his dead boyfriend's heart. 

He was no longer a traitor who was madly in love with is dead friend's boyfriend. 

He was no longer a pathetic loser who didn't have his first kiss until he was nineteen. 

He was no longer an unattractive mess whom James Madison had left because he'd found someone better. 

He was just Thomas. 

Thomas Jefferson. 

Just a normal young man living a normal life. 

No strings attached. 

No guilt or ploys or dead-friend-impersonating schemes. 

No pain. 

No heartbreak. 

No depression. 

No conflict. 

Just Thomas. 

Just normal, dorky but in a good way, stays up all night reading French literature, giggles like a schoolgirl when he learns something interesting Thomas Jefferson. 

This was the most peaceful he'd felt in so long. 

Perhaps the most peaceful he'd ever felt. 

He wished this moment could last forever. 

Wished the stress and responsibility of his normal life could just melt away and live in this moment of peace and tranquility. 

Oh, my dearest Lafayette, what I would give to have you here with me. To share this beautiful moment with you. 

I will see you again, my dear friend. In due time, we will be reunited. 

And when I see you next, it will be with a clear conscience. 

Leaving Alex will be difficult, but I will do it for you. 

I'll bleed and fight for you, I'll give the world to you and you'll blow us all away. 

Someday, someday, yeah you'll blow us all away.