Your Memory Will Carry On (Mikey Way)

Help Me Remember

Jealousy started to fill my thoughts as I laid back down in my own bed. I fucked up.

I had her. She was mine. She loved me and I couldn't give her a second thought. I should've held her like that when I had the chance. That should be me.

No matter how badly I wish that I could have her back with me, I need to accept the things she wants and let her make her own choices. If she chooses Mikey, then that's that.

I guess this is how Mikey felt all those years, huh?

Mikey has always loved her... he always took such good care of her. He deserves her. No- Chris deserves someone like him. Mikey is twice the man that I could ever be. I never deserved to be loved by Christina Lily Ross.

I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I blindly reached for my nightstand until I felt the pill bottle that sat there. The cap was already off, seeing as I never closed it last night. I swallowed one of the pills and held the bottle in my hands. I didn't feel guilt or shame, but something didn't sit right with me. Probably the fact that I had stolen these pain pills from Frank after his car accident.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to draw or write. Regardless, I picked up a sketch pad and pencil and sat, waiting for something to come out.

The only thing I could think about was Christina and Mikey. How she didn't even know anything about their relationship, and she still felt so attached to Mikey. That's how I knew it was real. What me and her had... that wasn't real. If it was, the way she feels about me wouldn't have changed after her accident. But it did. Losing her made me realize how bad I fucked up with her.

Losing her. I almost lost her while she was still with me, and I didn't care enough back then to see how it was my fault. She tried to end her own life while I was the one who was supposed to be watching out for her but who was the one that saved her? It was Mikey. It should've been me that saved her all those years ago. I should've saved her before she even got that bad.

What would it feel like to love a dead girl?

What if she had died that day on the bridge? Would I feel the way that I feel now? Probably not, as awful as it sounds. I was strung out and stupid. Well I'm still strung out, but I'm not stupid anymore.

I started to draw Chris. I drew her sitting with her knees to her chest, and a cigarette between her lips. I drew a cryptic room around her, with a single gas lamp lit on the wall. The walls were dirt, and I outlined roughly 6 feet of ground above her. Essentially, I just drew Chris sitting in her grave, but still alive. I drew grass and a sunny sky above, and I sketched a lonely figure above her. The person I drew was intended to be me, but I didn't draw a face. I drew this man sitting in the same style as Chris, sitting with his back against a headstone, knees to chest, and cigarette in his fingers. In scratchy letters in the sky, I titled the hastily drawn piece "a ghost of her".

We were all lucky that Mikey was able to get to the bridge in time to stop Chris before she stepped off. I'm lucky that I still have her in my life, because I know she did so much for me back then. She really did love me. Im at a place now where I just want what's best for her. Mikey honestly might be the best thing for her. She needs someone like Mikey. I'd rather have her in my life as a sister-in-law than not have her at all.

***

Christina's POV

I woke up, for the second time, still wrapped in Mikey's arms. I knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep after waking up this time, so I carefully snaked my way out of Mikey's embrace, trying not to wake him up. He stirred slightly, but didn't wake up. I didn't have any sweatpants in this room, seeing as they were all in the boxes in the other room.