california 02 // loki's romanoff prelude

four // preparations pt. II

Loki woke up at dawn on the day.

He was jittery, nervous. He couldn't stop shaking, and he was cold.

He stretched his muscles, but he couldn't keep focused. He arranged his running outfit on his bed, but his mind wasn't in it. He wasn't nervous, he was terrified.

He ended up pacing his room. When his room became too small for his thoughts, he went to the Bifrost.

Its light was gentler in the pink morning light than it was in the darkness. He sat down on it, enjoyed the cold thrill of the morning wind. He watched the colours ripple and he thought about how he should be doing push-ups, or eating food, or doing anything but sit here, unproductive and wasting his precious time.

Footsteps behind him made him jump. He turned, saw who it was, and turned back to watching the Bifrost.

'You're up early,' said Heimdall.

Loki had never particularly liked Heimdall. Heimdall had always been Thor's friend, Odin's advisor, and naturally Loki had avoided him. On his nightly visits to the Bifrost, he sat as far away from Heimdall's post as possible, and hoped and thought that Heimdall would never notice. And now, here they were.

'Is the sky not beautiful at dawn?' said Loki. He didn't like Heimdall. Heimdall had golden eyes that saw everything, and standing with him was something chilling, as if he could see Loki's every thought.

'It is truly lovely.' Heimdall's voice was faraway and distant, as if he was here but also not here, as if he was talking from galaxies far away, better places with sweeter mornings and where the air tasted of honey. 'I see you here almost every night, my Prince. You must truly love the sky.' When Loki didn't reply, he continued, 'You gaze up into the heavens so intently that I almost began to suspect you too had the Sight.'

Loki snorted. 'I just like the stars.' He glanced up. 'It's quite sad when they go away.'

'I can see everything from here,' went on Heimdall. 'I see mothers holding babies for the first time, and the laugh a girl gives when she reads her favourite book, and people confessing their love to each other, and the light of a thousand suns and galaxies. When you look into the sky, how empty it must seem. Perhaps this is why you come here when you wish to dispose of your thoughts.'

Loki frowned.

'You have many thoughts, my Prince,' said Heimdall. 'Too many, I think. You are nervous for today's race.'

Loki breathed out through his nose. 'I,' he said, 'have trained for this. I want this more badly than anything I have ever wanted in my life.'

'I know this,' said Heimdall.

'Of course you do,' said Loki. Then, 'Do you think I can do it? Win against him?'

Heimdall turned to look at him, but Loki didn't meet his eyes. He felt afraid - of today, of how he would feel in twenty four hours, of what Heimdall's reply would be.

'Perhaps,' said Heimdall. His voice was very quiet. 'But what will you do if you don't?'

Loki thought. He thought about his late night runs, about push-ups and sides of beef and stretches and nightmares and broken noses and of Thor, and of Sif, and of Hogun beating Volstagg and of Fandral with his betting coins. He thought about his mother brushing his hair, and his father - his father, whom he barely spoke to; his father, who, he was almost certain, hated him.

He was startled to find himself close to tears when he replied, 'I'll die. Or I'll run away. But I'm going to leave this world in some way if I don't win at something at least once, Heimdall.'