Pieces [ONC 2020 LONGLIST]

In leaves no step had trodden

"I forgot my lunch," and said with a groan and dropped my head on my desk. Not only do I get to spend the rest of the day continuing to search for clues on what I was working on, but I get to do it on top of my stomach's curses.

Thresh, my abnormally frugal and always packs his own meal friend, exhaled and said, "You know what, let's go out to eat. My treat."

Since I woke up, every moment has been like climbing up stairs just before the steps under my feet fall away. My stress and anxiety had never been this unmanageable before. I think. With puppy eyes and pursed lips I gazed at my friend.

"Thank you," I said, so happy I could cry.

We escaped to downtown for our 90 minute lunch break. The scent of fresh baked dough from the pizzerias saturated the air. As we walked down the street I flinched like a child watching a fireworks display, but instead of fireworks it was golden flashes of that girl.

"How about here?" Thresh stopped in front of Tony's Hops and Bagels.

"Sounds good," I said with a half-smile. "I've never been here bef—," another golden scene began to play. That girls walked out of the restaurant and held the door open for a golden me. Whoever she was, I knew her.

"What?" Thresh blurted. "You come here all the time with Ka—..." He blinked, genuinely confused.

"What were you going to say?" I asked, drowning the urge to grab his collar and drag the name out.

"I...I don't know." He mumbled, "I can't remember. Wait, are you dating someone? I thought there was...But I can't remember." He said and pinched the bridge of his nose, desperate to make neurons connect.

"No," I said as an unexplainable heaviness spread on my chest. At least, I don't think so.

The door chimed as we stepped inside. We placed our orders at the counter and looked for the best place to sit. A few couples and groups of friends gleefully enjoyed their sandwiches, salads, or burgers. Instinctively, my eyes darted to one empty both and my feet moved without thought. I've been here before. Many times. A series of golden ghosts played out across the diner, but most of them overlapped each other in a heavy, golden hue at one booth. I slid into the booth just as a golden-me climbed out.

Thresh flopped onto the seat across from me and the golden girl whisked away like a swirl of dust.

"Dude, what's happening? Is this—," he gestured toward my head, "—contagious?"

"Nah, you're fine" I shrugged. 

"How do you know?"

I played with the corner of the napkin and voiced the explanation I'd rehearsed all morning. "If it wasn't fine it would have been Collected so you wouldn't remember it not being fine so it'll be fine." I grinned and hoped I convinced both of us.

Thresh slouched and cocked his head to the side. "Whatever's happening, it's serious." Then he glanced over his shoulder, leaned in, and whispered, "What if something was Collected, but it went wrong?"

"No. Nope. No way." I said, and waved the thought away with my hand. "There's always a card after something's Collected. And I don't have a card. Do you?"

Thresh looked away.

I nodded. "This is—" a golden girl and golden me walked past with my arm draped across her shoulder as they exit the diner. "...a bad hangover."

Carefully balancing four other dishes, the waitress rushed to our table, dropped off our burgers, refilled our water with one hand, and spun around to answer a call from the kitchen. I grabbed the greasy bun and took one bite that should have been three. Thresh watched for a moment.

"They don't always leave a card you know." He said. I looked up from my burger and caught his gaze. His eyes tightened and he looked at me like I was a stranger. "If something bad, really bad happens on accident they don't leave a card. It's better if no one knows something's missing."

I froze.

Satisfied that I finally understood, Thresh turned to his burger but never smiled again. Grease and cheese dripped down my fingers but I couldn't move.

The blood on my hand. The sirens and lights. "Something bad, really bad." A chill coursed through my bones. My hands shook. I stood abruptly, bumping the table. Water splashed from our drinks. Thresh scowled, but his eyes widened when he saw my face. He opened his mouth but I ran to the bathroom.

This girl used to be part of my life, a big part, that was obvious. She wasn't here anymore. "Better if no one knows." They tried to Collect her from my memories. They didn't leave a card. I pushed through the first open stall, grabbed the grimy rim of the toilet and hurled.

This girl. I might have killed her. "On accident."

And hurled again.