The Duchess Lists

Top 10 Reasons I Should be the Next Bachelorette

There was a time, deep in the darkest depths of grad school that I ceased to have viewing standards and
became tragically obsessed with the "reality" travesty that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. The premise is utterly ridiculous, and yet, it's oh so wonderfully entertaining to watch two dozen men or women plead that they're "here for the right reasons" when really, it's pretty apparent that they're there for the perpetually open bar, to show off their abs on national TV, and hopefully get some in the process.

Dear ABC, or whoever airs this fascinating experiment in the increasingly desperate search for love:

I propose a change in formula. I propose that I, the Duchess, be the next Bachelorette. I can give you ten very excellent reasons why my season would haul the ratings out of the gutter dear Desiree has sunk them into. Trust me, its science.*

1. Superior group date ideas.

I'm tired of challenges designed to be ridiculous and theatrical and demonstrate the alleged macho-ness of the male contestants. Quite honestly, I would rather perish than have to watch y'all act out classic Shakespeare scenes on stage or race down a building before Carrie Underwood can finish singing her latest single.

What's important to me, the Bachelorette, is how you feel about ducks. We will all go to the petting zoo, and whoever can befriend the cutest baby goat wins. Also, I don't give out roses. I'm taking a page out of the Baby Bachelor's book and distributing dinosaurs to my suitors.

Perhaps we will have a group date to Disneyland. Can you imagine wandering around at Disneyland with a bunch of dudes wearing Mickey Mouse ears? If you don't like Disneyland, we can't get publicly engaged on television.

2. One on One Dates

The problem with the Bachelorette is that she isn't really all that interesting, or at least she isn't allowed to be on TV. Where is the fun in watching her awkwardly slow dance with a bro while some relatively well known singer songwriter has been hauled all the way in to perform in a random location, like a bridge? Also, WHY ARE YOU WASTING DOLLY PARTON'S TIME, ABC?! DOLLY IS A TREASURE AND SHE HAS IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO.

Point being, I want my one on one dates to be ridiculous. Not outlandish, like involving helicopters and shitty beer in the mountains. I want one on one dates with my bachelors to involve demolition derbies and golf cart racing and visits with sugar gliders and one of those giant foam pits they have in gymnastics facilities. Yes, I will be painfully awkward and ask ridiculous questions of my dates. But that's why you tune in every week, to watch the struggles of an ordinary Bachelorette looking for temporary, pretend love. Right?

3. The Dinosaur Ceremony

The critical portion of each episode of my season of the Bachelorette will be the dinosaur ceremony. Chris Harrison will join the men solemnly and announce that it is time for the Dinosaur Ceremony. They will gather after many Old Fashions and Greyhounds and nervously await my decisions. I, on the other hand, will be awkward and probably publicly drunk while I try to decide who to send home and who to give a dinosaur to.

Of course, things will become awkward when I develop an odd attachment to the velociraptor whom I've named Ingrid and end up sending odd numbers of dudes packing because I simply can't part with her, and have even concocted an elaborate backstory about how she survived the dinosaur apocalypse.

4. The Fantasy Suite

Chris Harrison and I need to have a little chat about the fantasy suite. I picture it being this horrifyingly cliche room full of rose petals and candles and baskets full of birth control (can you imagine if you got knocked up while on the Bachelor/ette!?). The only music available in this grotesque box of "sensuality" and "romance" is Boyz II Men and Lionel Richie and Air Supply. It's probably the worst thing ever.