The Duchess Lists

Top 10 Things I Would Do if I Were a Celebrity

Let me begin with a clarification here: I want to be a legitimate celebrity, the kind who is known for their talents and not because of their drinking habits or penchant for flashing various private body parts. If I could, I would want to be famous for being a kick ass lead singer or a quirky and beloved author. I don't actually have any talent that would garner this fame or recognition, but that's the whole point of this little blog: to highlight the outlandish and eccentric thoughts that inhabit my oddly sized cranium and hopefully get a few giggles.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.

1. Commission a ridiculous portrait to be painted. Of myself.

 

I would have my head imposed atop the body of Henry VIII or creepy ol' hunchbacked Richard III. Because what else are fame and stupid amounts of disposable income for if not for the ultimate act of madcap vanity?

 

2. Wear my Johnny Cash Flipping the Bird Shirt as often as possible in public.

This will have the effect of a) portraying me as some sort of bad ass

b) offending children and c) ensuring that people leave me the hell alone.

Come to think of it, these are the reasons I wear that shirt NOW.

3. Buy an island.

All I want is an island close enough to Mel Gibson's so I can throw stuff at him. Not like molotov cocktails, but just like...slightly annoying stuff. Like clementines and possums and sand bags.

4. Have a unique and exotic pet. Simply because I can.

My top choice is obviously a duck or a penguin, but I'm also open to a platypus or a seahorse. Perhaps even an ocelot. Mostly because I like the word ocelot.

5. Launch a feud with Fergie over who rightfully gets to be The Duchess.

In all fairness, I guess she got there first, but thats because she's like 40 and had the advantage. As such, she's clearly outgrown the title and it is time to let someone younger and less prone to peeing their pants on stage have the title. Also, I would never write a monstrosity like "Fergalicious". So. There.

6. Ensure that at least one awesomely awkward photo exists with me meeting Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling or Jennifer Lawrence.

Possibly meeting them all at once and have an awkward-off. Really, I just want to achieve half the level of cool established by Tom Hanks and Bill Murray. Obviously its not possible, but if I've somehow become a celebrity, I've clearly done something right. Or I'm just a giant slut. Hopefully the former, though.

7. Host at least one amazing theme party.

I have my fingers crossed that my 1950s Rockabilly party is a roaring success. I'm inviting Tom Cruise just for the lulz.

8. Obtain at least one bad acting role that will allow me to show off my absolutely heinous British accent.

Preferably this role will be a comedic one in which the accent is supposed to be bad...but I have a feeling my celebrity ego would probably think I was fantastic and it would end up being a whole "Lindsay Lohan in Liz & Dick" situation in which the whole thing is just laughably bad and I end up showing clips of it on Late Night television because its so silly. NO, it will be an Elvis Presley situation in which its so bad but still charming and utterly delightful.

9. I WANT TO BECOME A .GIF. JUST ONE TIME IN MY LIFE, I WANT TO BE GIFFABLE.

I also want giffable to be a legitimate word.

10. Date a major league baseball catcher.

BECAUSE CLEARLY THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THAT JP ARENCIBIA OR BUSTER POSEY WILL EVER NOTICE ME. Also, I clearly just want to be loved. How sad.