I guess technically I'm not a spinster. Yet. But quite frankly, its much easier to embrace the inevitable than it would be to pretend like its NOT going to happen. Also, it might be kind of fun.
1. Buy a magical and cozy pair of sweatpants.
They will become your best friend, and allow you to eat as many cookies as you want without fear of waistband judgement.
2. Find other spinsters/potential spinsters and form a Spinsterhood.
You shall call it The Spinsterhood of the Travelling Sweats. And then you will cut down the largest tree in the forest with....A HERRING.
3. Purchase any and all cat-related accessories you encounter.
This could be anything from cat necklaces, to vests, to shoes. It doesn't even matter if you like cats. Spinsters have a reputation to uphold, and you shall do so in the UTMOST of style and eccentricity. Its a way of life, people.
4. TLC & Slice.
Ensure that viewing of crappy reality shows is incorporated into your routine. It is important to remember that you may be a spinster, but at least you don't spray tan your child and spend $24,000 on a wedding dress because you HAVE TO HAVE IT. It's going to be okay.
5. Perfect the art of cupcakery.
Imagine the possibilities of new flavours and icing styles when you have all this time on your hands??? When you're not watching reality shows, working, or participating in Spinsterhood activities, you can dedicate your Wednesday nights to baking! Also, cupcakes make excellent bribes.
6. Cultivate an enviable collection of 1980s tunes.
In Spinsterhood, there's no one to judge you so it is perfectly acceptable (nay, ENCOURAGED) to have pantsless dance parties alone in your apartment. This is exponentially better when there is really poppy 80s music involved. You might already do this, and for that, I salute you.
7. Learn to knit.
Solely for the purpose of making THIS owl:
8. Cultivate an enviable collection of sweaters.
Once you've learned to knit, YOU CAN EVEN KNIT YOUR OWN. Look at that, look how talented you are and how immensely colourful your wardrobe is now! ...unless you're me, in which case all your sweaters will be black. Pay no mind!
9. Actually get a cat. Or several.
Perhaps a small dog? Either way. These pets should be featured in holiday photos, display pictures, and taught various party tricks. "Alright Snowflake, now show everyone how you play 'I Accidentally Dropped a Microwave on My Clavicle!'" *cue applause*
10. Send lots of letters and cards to people.
This way, they'll feel obligated to write you back and then the trip to the mailbox is far less depressing and full of excitement and anticipation! Alternately, don't shovel or de-ice the walk way and then you'll have 6 months of unpredictable mailbox journeys.
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