Before the Morning [BEING EDITED]

43 | Open

You have to.

She took a deep breath. And then she opened the door and stepped out into the sanctuary.

Just look straight ahead. Don't look at him. Don't look.

She made it to the stage and climbed up the steps.

"Today's first song is going to be a special one," Nathan continued. "Nora, one of our brilliant youth group band members, has written and composed a song for us today."

Nora smiled, her gaze flicking nowhere and everywhere, finding random people in the crowd as they laughed and cheered. There was Rachel, in the back, waving her arms erratically back and forth. There were Faith, Daniel, and Rosamie, a couple rows behind Andy, Max, Erin, and—

She couldn't help it. She looked. He was clapping, too, though he skipped a beat when her eyes met his.

She set the strap over her shoulder and got into position. She furled and unfurled her finger. And then she started to strum.

"Sitting at the railroad tracks," she sang. "All that time I won't get back. Caught up in the pain and misery."

She closed her eyes. Her chest constricted. She was back on the railroad tracks, in Nolan's arms.

"All my fault, that's what he says. Better off if I was dead. Another drink, filled with so much hate."

Her dad's hateful eyes bored into her. "Don't you dare cry."

"And I don't know how to breathe," she sang. "Is this pain ever gonna go away? Is it gonna fade? 'Cause..."

She opened her eyes, finding Nolan.

"Before the morning comes, everything looks gray, and I don't know how to cope with this loss roarin' inside my soul." She closed herself, losing herself in the song. "How'm I s'posed to handle this? I don't know how to handle this alone. But I'm not alone."

This was it.

"You hold my hand, wipe my tears. You make a promise, nothin' to fear. Caught up in the hope of relief."

She was back in Nolan's room, his hand in hers as she fell asleep. His hand had been so warm, so comforting.

Would he take these verses the wrong way? She hoped not. They were true, yes, but they weren't the point.

"Broken in the dead of night, didn't think I'd be alright. Another day, filled with so much pain."

The song carried on, and she forced her mind to go quiet, to just lose herself in the music—in the rhythm, in the feeling. Calmness spread through her, and a smile toyed at the edges of her lips. By the time she made it to the bridge, she was beaming.

"I'm not alone, you're not alone. Trust in God, He'll lead you home. Sometimes it just takes a little faith." Her eyes sought Nolan again. "The pain, the loss, the uncertainty—it hurts but it's all temporary. I know it's hard, but the morning's on its way!"

Andy, Max, and Erin whooped and hopped to their feet. A sharp whistle shrieked from the back—Rachel. Nora grinned, her heart lighter than it had been in a long time as she swung into the final chorus.

The song ended, and applause thundered around her. She grinned and waved out at the crowd before stepping off the stage.

Nolan. He was smiling at her, his eyes alight. Some of the weight on her chest eased. That was a good sign.

She returned his smile with one of her own and nudged her head toward the doors. He nodded.

✝

The lobby had a decent furniture selection, but Nora chose the floor. She leaned against the greeting desk, the wood oddly comforting against her back.

The area was empty save for her and Nolan. She looked up as he eased into the space beside her, but then immediately averted her gaze. Nathan's muffled voice filled the silence, but she couldn't fill it herself.

She picked at her nails. Say something. You called him here. You need to say something! But she seemed to have left her voice on the stage.

"I'm sorry."

Her head shot up. "What?"

"For lying. That night." Nolan raked a hand through his hair. "I didn't—"

"No, I'm sorry. That's why I asked you here."

He stared.

"I can't apologize for all of it," she said, lowering her eyes to her hands. "For the way I felt, I mean. Of course, it hurt, you know?"

He nodded. She took a deep breath. The urge to apologize for getting angry was so potent, but she refused. Dr. Clem would be proud.

"But, for the way I treated you," she said. "I'm sorry.

"You don't need to be sorry," he said. He was so earnest, it hurt.

She leaned her head back against the desk. "I do." She sighed. She needed to say it. But what if he didn't forgive her? "I saw how much pain you were in, and even when I stopped being angry, I stayed away."

His eyebrows creased. No anger. She could cry.

She shoved her hair behind her ears. "I pulled a total me," she said. "Blamed myself and froze. But my counselor—I started counseling—ten out of ten, recommend, by the way—she's helping me cut myself some slack, I guess."

He smiled.

"Oh, yeah, I can cut myself so much slack, you'd be jealous." She grinned, but internally, she was face-palming so hard. Did she sound as stupid as she felt? "Now I can forgive myself once in a while. You jealous? I thought so."

She barely finished her sentence before he tugged her into his arms. She hugged him back, her face pressed into his shoulder, happy tears dampening his jacket. For a while they just sat there, wrapped tightly in an embrace.

"How about you?" she asked. "How are you and God doing?"

"We're doing okay."

"Have you...?"

"Sometimes," he said.

She smiled. "How?"

"Nathan and Willow," he replied. "They've been helping me."

She pulled away, but took hold of his hand. "You'll just kill him, too." But she recognized the words as a lie, and tightened her grip as he entwined her fingers with his. "That's why Nathan acted weirdly excited when I asked him if I could play my song today," she said.

"It was amazing, by the way."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I suck at journaling, but, hey."

"Not one of your many talents?"

"Afraid not."

He chuckled. Her heart fluttered. It was so, so good to hear him laughing again. To see him smiling.

"It was...it was for you as much as it was for Him, you know," she murmured.

He squeezed her hand. "I know."

She smiled, but a frown soon threatened. "So...does this..."

He waited.

"Can you forgive me?" She forced herself to look him in the eye. "For what I did?"

"Already have," he said. "Can you forgive me?"

She knocked him playfully on the shoulder. "Already have," she said.

"Thank you," he said softly.

"Do you have plans today?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"We're going to the house after church to grab my furniture and the rest of my stuff," she said. "Do you...do you want to come?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. She smiled.