Curious

IV

"... and when I walked in, she just-" Jesy tries telling a story about some incident that occurred yesterday, but stops speaking when she notices Jade's expression. They are having lunch together, and Jade is physically there, but she is quite obviously not there at all. Jesy can easily tell how unfocused Jade is, just like she has been for the past few weeks. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I just have a lot to think about," Jade replies. Only indirect mentioning of the subject of her sexuality makes her feel nervous, which isn't something she is used to around Jesy. "Can I ask you something? And can you promise to answer honestly?" Jade and asks Jesy, and Jesy immediately nods. Jade knows that no matter what, she can always count on Jesy to be honest, so perhaps that promise was a bit superfluous. "Perrie told me that she's never dated a girl before, too, but she's like, so calm about everything. And I'm about to shit myself every time she looks at me, I swear. I'm so stressed out, and I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Why am I so nervous about this? Because clearly that's not doing me any good."

"Jade, there's no right and wrong way to explore your sexuality," Jesy answers with a warm tone. "Everyone does it differently. And as for Perrie, she's just a chill person. She doesn't care too much about anything, while you're pretty much stressing out about everything you possibly can worry about. So I'm sure that this is just a personality thing, and you definitely shouldn't beat yourself up for that. You're not doing anything wrong."

"That makes sense. I guess you're right," Jade agrees with a small smile. "And Jesy?"

"Yeah?"

"I, um... I've been wanting to tell you that-" Jade's heart is racing, and she is extremely anxious. She wants to tell Jesy that she has what raw conclusion she has come to so bad, but at the same time, it's so terrifying she doesn't want to do that at all. She stumbles on her words, and only speaks in half sentences and broken phrases. The words coming out are scarier than ever, even though she is absolutely sure Jesy is going to fully support her. "I really need to tell you that, um.. I... I'm bisexual."

And with these words being released into the air, the weight that Jade has been carrying for so long is lifted off of her. She expects the ground to collapse beneath her feet, and the sky to break into pieces and fall on her head, but nothing happens. Everything stays just the same. People around them carry on their with their conversations, and Jesy is sitting with a proud smile on her face. In that moment, Jade allows herself to break down. She is so scared of the consequences of what she had just said that it's impossible to keep the tears in. And for the first time ever, this isn't a secret she has been keeping to herself, and she doesn't feel so lonely anymore. Jesy squeezes Jade's hand, which is lying on the table, and knows that Jade probably needs a hug right now, but it's more important for her to let Jade speak, since she can finally do so.

"Fuck, that was the scariest thing I've ever done," Jade tries to joke in order to make the atmosphere lighter. Jesy laughs, and Jade releases a smile, and her heart is starting to relax again. Well, that's until she understands how many more times she's going to need to have this conversation with other people. "I have no idea how I'm going to tell anyone else. I already know how disappointed my mom's gonna be. I have no clue how-"

"Jade, relax," Jesy calmly says. "You don't have to come out to anyone."

"I kind of do," Jade argues. "They deserve to know. I feel like I'm keeping so much from so many people that are important to me."

"Hey, Jade," Jesy begins after a few moments of considering her words. "Think of your sexuality like your boob size."

"Trust Jesy Nelson to make everything about tits," Jade says and playfully rolls her eyes.