Curious

II

A week later, Jade arrives early to her English Literature class. She places her laptop in front of her and turns it on, then makes sure she has everything ready for the beginning of the lecture, as well as for the rest of the day. When she is done, she takes some time to simply watch the students come in and smiles to herself. 

Ever since she had had that conversation with Jesy, she is constantly thinking about its meaning. Jade is not sure if she is scared to admit she likes girls, or whether she just doesn't, and Jesy was wrong. Even though Jade's mind is full of concerns and fears, she has found the past week to be the best one she had ever had. At surface level, nothing changed. Jade still attends the same classes, and does all of her work in time, and has lunch with Jesy everyday. However, Jade's life turned much more fun. Now, when she walks around campus between classes, she doesn't limit herself to looking only at guys anymore. It is so new and fresh, and it feels like the whole world has been repainted with lively colours instead of the boring ones she was used to. In fact, it is so enjoyable that Jade wonders why she didn't bother looking at girls until now. Regardless of the probability that nothing will come out of it, Jade found looking at girls satisfying, exciting and even fascinating. 

Her conclusion from the past week is that it is quite easy for her to decide which girls she doesn't feel sexually attracted to at all. There are girls she sees purely as friends, and doesn't feel the need to look at as they pass by, or watch them when they laugh. Jade can't figure out exactly what is it that makes the difference for her, because they are all beautiful in their own way, but she knows that that's how it is, and she doesn't have room for any more confusing questions in her head. 

Jade is distracted from her thoughts as Leigh-Anne takes the seat next to her. They talk about an assignment which is due next month when Leigh-Anne suddenly changes the subject. 

"Hey, Jade? What do you think about Perrie?" She asks. Jade isn't sure what to say, so she take a few moments to think. 

"She seems really sweet," Jade finally replies. "Do you two know each other?" 

"Oh, yeah. We went to primary school together," Leigh-Anne explains. "Would you mind if I ask why'd you say no to her asking you out last week? She was quite disappointed, but that's okay, of course. Again, you don't have to give me an answer. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything, it's just that Perrie wants to know the reason why, but she will never ask you. So I'm trying to help her out."

"I really was tired, like I said, but… she was asking me out?" Jade tries to understand. 

"Um, yeah," Leigh-Anne clarifies and laughs. "Did you seriously not notice?" 

"Not really," Jade answers and feels a little embarrassed at her own words. She can't wrap her head around what she was just told. Last week, Perrie asked her if she would have liked to go eat somewhere. It didn't feel odd, nor did it seem awkward. If a guy would have asked her the exact same thing, in the exact same scenario after they met that same day, Jade definitely would have noticed that he doesn't want to be just friends with her. When Perrie did it, though, it felt natural and friendly. Jade can't understand how she was supposed to know that it was meant to be more than that. All female friendships include ideas for activities like this. 

In this moment, Perrie steps into the lecture hall, just a few moments after the professor came in. Jade is unable to look at her, because she is sure that she is blushing so hard right now that it would be embarrassing. So when Perrie says hi to both her and Leigh-Anne, Jade replies with nothing but a distant mumble. Perrie is wearing a strong perfume, and Jade can clearly smell it just by sitting next to her, and it drives her insane. Her heart is racing, even though she has no clue why, and she just wants to say something to Perrie. 

About halfway through the lecture, Jade feels more calm. She's still unable to focus on any of the material, so she decides to simply talk to Perrie. She doesn't know herself why it scares her so much, since Perrie had already been the first one to ask her out, but it does. So Jade takes a few deep breaths before she turns to Perrie and whispers words she struggles to let out. 

"Are you from London?" Jade asks Perrie. 

"I am," Perrie quietly replies. She turns her head so she can look at Jade, and Jade feels her heart racing and her cheeks blushing all over again. "But you're from up north, aren't you?" 

"Newcastle. The accent makes it obvious, doesn't it?" Jade asks with an amused smile as Perrie nods. "So um, would you mind showing me around sometime? I don't really like London, but maybe you could change my mind." Jade feels insecure, but not as insecure as she would feel if she was talking to a guy. There is something beautifully natural between girls that allows them to have a genuine connection just because they are both girls. It would have taken Jade months to be as calm as she is now, asking someone out, if it was a guy she was talking to. 

"Oh, I'd love to! If you have time tomorrow night, that would be great," Perrie replies with possibly the most beautiful smile Jade has ever seen. 

"Yeah. I'll see you then," Jade tells her and pretends to go back to writing her notes. Truth is, she is already terrified of tomorrow night, and is about to freak out. She cannot wait until lunch, when she finally get to speak with Jesy about all of this. 

When the lecture ends, Jade is more than ready to take her laptop and rush to her next class, due to the combination of fear and excitement she is experiencing. She tries to avoid Perrie, because she feels like she can't talk to her, which is mad on its own, but Perrie calls Jade's name before she leaves. Jade turns around, and as her brown eyes meet Perrie's blue ones, she wonders how the hell she is going to spend so much time alone with such a gorgeous girl. 

"About tomorrow night," Perrie begins with a shy smile. "Eight pm?" She asks, and Jade replies with nothing but a nod, because she does not trust her own voice right now. "And I can pick you up, but I'm a pretty shit driver," Perrie continues and laughs. 

"It's okay. I love walking away," Jade quietly says and turns back around before making her way out of the lecture hall. 

°°°

"I'll text her, and I'll tell her that I'm busy and that I'll be busy for the next weeks. Or forever, basically," Jade tells her best friend, Jesy, as they are having their regular catch up session over lunch. Jesy goes to UCL as well, but she doesn't have any of her classes with Jade, so it has become a habit of theirs to meet up over lunch every day in order to maintain their friendship. 

"And why would you want to do that?" Jesy asks. She looks at Jade as if she had gone mad, and Jade wonders if she actually might have. She has lived her life the same way for twenty two years, so how is it possible that everything changes so fast, all because of one meaningless text message Jesy had sent? 

"Jes, I'm going out with a girl I barely know! And I don't even know if this is a date or not, and I don't even like girls!" Jade says, a little too loud. A few people sitting at other tables look over to them to see what's going on, and Jade only feels worse. She buries her head in her hands and can feel Jesy staring at her without saying a word as she does so. "Fine. I don't know if I like girls," Jade corrects herself under her breath. 

"Good. Now, stop feeling so sorry for yourself for going out with a girl that is so gorgeous you literally can't breathe around her. This is going to be fun, you just have to stop being so scared," Jesy tells Jade. 

"I wish wasn't so scared, but I am," Jade says. 

"Oh, come on. What's the worst thing that could happen?" Jesy asks with a soft voice. 

"She could like me," Jade quickly answers. 

"And that's bad because?" 

"Because," Jade starts as she looks back up, into Jesy's eyes. "I don't know if I like girls, and I don't want to deceive her." 

"This is nothing but a few hours you're going to spend with her, maybe even less. You don't have to be this nervous about things that may or may not will happen in the future. Enjoy tomorrow night, even if it means just being her friend. Okay?" Jesy says and Jade nods as she mumbles another 'fine'. She sighs and smiles at Jesy. She is grateful to have Jesy as her best friend, since she keeps her grounded. If it wasn't for Jesy, Jade would have completely lost it by now. She is still terrified of tomorrow night, but decides to follow Jesy's advice and enjoy it, regardless of how it goes.